I Fought the Law

Nobody Cares About the U.S. Treasury Department

Here's some more facial hair and funny clothing humor. I was going to go off on how stupid it is for the U.S Treasury Department to waste money on hip ads telling us how great the new $20 bills are, but instead I think I'll provide something a little more useful. And so...

Holohan's Ten Tips for 1L Final Success

1. Don't use commercial outlines. Commercial outlines are for housewives and little girls. If you insist on using these sterile law student crutches, at least download them for free off Lexis instead of spending money on them. You should use that money to buy me presents.

2. Chances are that there are one or two phrases in each of your classes that your professors have said over and over again throughout the semester. Use these phrases in your essays. Law school finals aren't just about regurgitation, but a certain degree of regurgitation makes the professors feel better. And that means more points. For you.

3. As tempting as it may be, don't open your essay with a direct quote from Oliver Dubya Holmes. Sure, the guy was pretty clever, but next semester when people read your essay as model answer they'll all think you're a pretentious prick. Try a punchy Holohan quote instead. That guy's got a thing or two figured out.

4. Try to include as many accurate interpretations of existing law as possible.

5. Avoid conclusory statements like "Brown v. Board of Education was the single darkest moment in the Supreme Court's long and tragic history."

6. Get the seat closest to the proctor's desk. That way the process of signing out and clomping disruptively out to the restroom will be as expedient as possible.

7. Wave your arms around as much as you can during the exam. Even if it doesn't help you think, it'll prevent other people around you from thinking.

8. The answer to the last question on your Civil Procedure Exam is Rule 19. No one ever expects Rule 19.

9. Everyone in your class is going to cite M'Naughten for their criminal insanity argument. Try a different approach. Professors reward originality.

10. Smuggle a Snickers bar, a bottle of Tabasco Sauce, a jar of Vaseline and a baseball bat into the test room. You'll find multiple uses for each of these items as the exam progresses.

Bonus Tip: Enjoy the support and goodwill of your classmates while you can. Once grades show up the claws come out like you wouldn't believe.

Posted by hb at November 10, 2003 11:51 PM