I Fought the Law

Dialogue from the Third Act of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, if the Writing Were Just Slightly More Heavy-Handed

Obi-Wan: You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! It was you who would bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!
[Anakin frowns severely.]
Obi-Wan: And that's precisely why I'm so upset! Because you were supposed to be really good, and now you're, like, super-evil, don't you see.

Palpatine: We shall change into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.
[Senate fills with enormous applause.]
Amidala: This is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.
[Palpatine briefly morphs into Dick Cheney.]

Obi-Wan: The Sith are evil!
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!
Obi-Wain: That doesn't make any sense.
...
Anakin: I'M CONFLICTED!!!!!!!!!

Anakin: If you're not with me, you're my enemy!
Obi-Wan: Only a Sith Lord deals in absolutes.
[Floating Head of George W. Bush appears.]
Floating Head of George W. Bush: Either you're with us, or you're with the terr'ists.
[Floating head of George W. Bush disappears.]

Medical Droid: Medically, she is completely healthy. For reasons we can't explain, we are losing her.
Obi-Wan: She's dying?
Medical Droid: Yes. That's what "losing her" means. She's dying. In fact, she's going to die in a few minutes. Definitely before the end of the movie.
Obi-Wan: Oh.
Medical Droid: We don't know why. She has lost the will to live. Because her hearts is broken. Because her husband turned evil and tried to kill her. And the government has collapsed into tyranny, and it's unclear what's going to happen to her children.
[Obi-Wan frowns furtively.]

Palpatine: I'm going to kill you and take over the galaxy.
Yoda: Not if anything to say about it I have. [Actual line!]
...
Palpatine: Okay, wait. What?

[Palpatine uses the Force to hurl floating Senate seats at Yoda, causing massive destruction to the Senate Chamber.]
Palpatine: Look! I'm killing you by destroying the Senate Chamber! I'm destroying democracy in a figurative and literal sense! And also destroying you, who defends democracy! Isn't this rad?
Yoda: An idiot, you are.
Palpatine: Oh, and this is also symbolic of how I used the structure of the Republic's government to destroy it, by advancing politically to a point where I had the power to overthrow the Republic without anyone even noticing.
[Yoda does a bunch of flips and gives Palpatine a sarcastic look.]

[Obi-Wan jumps out of the lava flow onto some kind of rock or something, leaving Anakin on a floating piece of metal.]
Obi-Wan: You lose, Anakin. I have the high ground.
Anakin: ...
Obi-Wan: And I mean that both topographically and morally.

Palpatine: Lord Vader, can you hear me?
Darth Vader: Yes, my master. Where is Padmé? Is she safe, is she all right?
Palpatine: I'm afraid she died... it seems in your anger, you killed her.
Darth Vader: I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt her! She was alive! It's impossible! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Palpatine: Kind of ironic, isn't it?
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Palpatine: I mean, the whole point of you joining the Sith was to save her.
Darth Vader: FIRE BAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!

Obi-Wan: Well, we've erased the minds of Artoo and Threepio, created a last-minute bond of loyalty between myself and Senator Organa so it'll make sense when Leia says that I served her father in the Clone wars, and hung onto Anakin's light saber. Looks like we've effectively laid the retroactive groundwork for Episode IV.
Yoda: Good news I have. Your old mentor has found a way to gain immortality through the Force. Waiting for you on Tatooine he is.
Obi-Wan: Great! That gives him plenty of time to teach me how to be a ghost before Darth Vader kills me at the end of A New Hope!
Yoda: Fine ghost a make will you.
Obi-Wan: And that also explains why he didn't disappear when Darth Maul killed him!
Yoda: And why Palpatine's guards were looking for my body when they thought he killed me.
Obi-Wan: No, I think that was just a fuckup.

Posted by hb at May 21, 2005 03:58 PM