March 23, 2006

"There She Goes" Is a Song about Heroin

You can tell a lot about a city by looking through the monthly coupon value pack that comes in the mail. Every coupon value pack seems to have coupons for dry cleaning, car washes, and pizza, though not usually all at the same place. In Santa Monica, the coupon value pack also had coupons for tanning salons, cosmetic dentistry, and other means of improving your mug. Oddly enough, there were also coupons for a variety of junk foods beyond pizza, including a coupon for 50% off the price of donut holes that I used many, many times (the guy at D.K. Donuts on Santa Monica didn't make you give him the coupon when you used it, so you could use it over and over again).

The coupon pack in Palo Alto is loaded with coupons for remodeling, house painting, landscaping, carpet cleaning, and hardwood floor installation. There was also one coupon for a limousine service.

Berkeley and Alameda didn't have monthly coupon value packs, at least none that I ever received.

From this, we can conclude that: (1) Santa Monica is full of people who like to eat junk food but look good doing it, (2) Palo Alto is a place for homeowners who have better things to do than buy donuts a 3:00 a.m., and (3) staple commodities in the East Bay are cheap enough as it is. That's my scientific conclusion. I will accept no dissent.

Posted by hb at March 23, 2006 08:11 AM

Comments

Actually, I have a Berkeley coupon pack in my house right now. It gives me fantastic deals on comic books, ice cream, and a trip to a sleazy bathhouse. Evidently what this means is that Berkeley is for chubby pervs.

Posted by: Dianna on March 28, 2006 11:42 AM

Now how the hell did I miss out on that? Parker Street strikes again!

Is the sleazy bathhouse Berkeley Hot Tubs? Were you can have high-powered Japanese business meetings or get your ass sucked out of your ass?

Posted by: holohan on March 28, 2006 12:12 PM

Oh god... like that horrible Chuck Palahniuk story... can you excuse me for a moment? I need to go rock in the fetal position for a few minutes.

But yes, it is Berkeley Hot Tubs. Coupon not valid Friday or Saturday -- the discount price is for high-powered Japanese business meetings only, not ass-sucking.

Posted by: Dianna on March 28, 2006 12:54 PM

You know, that ass-sucking thing actually happened to a little girl, who was then represented by John Edwards in a jillion-dollar suit against the company that made the jacuzzi.

I'm hoping that none of the other stories in "Haunted" were inspired by actual events. Especially the one about the hot springs.

Posted by: holohan on March 28, 2006 01:23 PM

You can also make thousands of gremlins there!

P.S. Shirley Dean is a chubby perv.

Posted by: sean on March 28, 2006 03:20 PM

Gremlins? The cars, or the fuzzy mischievous monsters?

Posted by: Dianna on March 28, 2006 03:43 PM

Okay, first of all, mogwais are fuzzy. Gremlins are what mogwais turn into when you feed them after midnight. They are not fuzzy. They are reptilian and very pointy. Although the leader of the original gremlins gang had a mohawk that survived the metamorphis, hence the name "Stripe."

Secondly, yes, Sean was referring to the creatures, not the cars. Getting a mogwai or gremlin wet causes it to multiply. It's much cuter when a mogwai multiplies, as the new mogwais start out as little fuzzballs that pop jovially out of the wet mogwai. Wet gremlins grow enormous blisters on their back from which spawn new slimy gremlins.

But what Sean and I both were referring to more generally is this.

Posted by: holohan on March 28, 2006 05:00 PM

I'd also like to point out that that list contains two distinct footprints from past editors: an overly esoteric human anatomy joke, and a Jerky Boys reference.

Posted by: holohan on March 28, 2006 05:03 PM

See, when you said "get your ass sucked out of your ass", I figured you were talking about hot-tub couples activities. I thought I was actually being irrelevant by bringing up drain-based ass-sucking, hence the comment about Friday and Saturday nights.

And I've only seen Gremlins once in my life, so I'm a little fuzzy (if you will) on the details. It was pretty much banned in my house after it gave my older sister nightmares.

Posted by: Dianna on March 28, 2006 05:07 PM

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