I Fought the Law

These Loan Consolidation Mailings are Getting Ridiculous

EdFed
America's Top Student Loan Consolidator
175 South Lake Ave., Suite 200
Pasadena, CA 91101
ATTN: Marketing Director

Dear EdFed:

I'm very impressed that you appear to have hired a staff of small foreign children and/or illiterate convicts to painstakingly hand-write your latest direct mailings. While many direct-mailers employ fonts that merely look like handwriting, the indentations in your postcard, the corrected misspelled words, and overall piss-poor penmanship unmistakably establish that your entreaty to consolidate my student loans was indeed prepared by a human being. I commend you.

Unfortunately, I will not be consolidating my student loans with you, as I have no need for such services. Nonetheless, I would like to offer the following feedback on the work of "Carleen." First off, you should teach her to make her a's look less like u's. Secondly, there's a difference between an upper-case "F" and a lower-case "f" that Carleen does not appear to grasp (see, e.g., the word "beFore" [sic] in line six of the main text). Finally, it is proper form to place the comma in the salutation after the addressee's name, rather than after the "Dear." With these tips, I hope that Carleen might find more success in luring people into your lending pool.

In addition, I hope that when Carleen and the rest of your scribes develop crippling arthritis from hand-writing junk mail for hours at a stretch, EdFed will find the decency to dip into its (doubtless) exhorbitant interest collections and provide some healthcare.

Very truly yours,

Robert H. Bork

Posted by hb at July 1, 2006 11:03 AM