In honor of the 100th I Fought the Law blog post, I'm posting selected excerpts from my long-forgotten proto-blog, the Matt H. Report (weekly newsletter of the Matt H. Club, a New Frontier in Megalomania). In keeping with MHC tradition, this post is very long and will likely go unread. Enjoy!
VOL. 1, ISS. 2. 04/15/99
3. FUZZY WUZZY WAS HER NAME
... Taken aback, the young woman said that she was, in fact, of the Greek persuasion, and demanded to know how Matt knew. When Matt explained his sweater hypothesis, the girl snittily informed him that the sweater in fact belonged to her non-Greek younger sister. Matt then called the girl a filthy liar, at which point she moved further down the table and started crying.
Here's a conundrum: why do they even bother making different kinds of cats? They all act the same way. They all act like cats.
VOL. 1, ISS. 3. 04/23/99
PEANUT BUTTER AND NAPALM
...Tossing the sandwich aside she dashed out of the lecture hall, rapelled down the side of the building, and ran toward the Campanile where she was immediately mauled by a guy in a bear suit! A bear suit! He had just finished this long sad speech and then there was a guy in a bear suit! OH MY GOD THAT'S FUNNY! Peanut butter kills, kids. Peanut butter kills.
VOL. 1, ISS. 4. 04/30/99
I'm looking to you, Kaufman, and you, Crabtree, and, to a lesser extent, you, Fornaca. Pull this off and you'll get a fancy surprize. (Ha! Howbout that! I just increased my productivity! Now, instead of typing out "surprise prize," I can shorten it to "Surprize!" Yeah! ...)
VOL. 1, ISS. 5 05/07/99
I've posted this edition here in its entirety. It contains "The Prank Call: An Epic Poem," the single most polarizing thing I've ever written. Click if you dare.
VOL. 1, ISS. 6 05/14/99
ALF: (Sifting through the jigsaw puzzle pieces.) It's broken.
WILLIE: I know. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.
VOL. 1, ISS. 8
R = (1.5 eggs)/[(1.5 hens)*(1.5 days)]
R = 2/3 eggs/(hen*day)
X(# of hens) = [(6 eggs)/(6 days)]/R
X = 1 egg/day * [(hen*day)/(2/3 eggs)]
X = 1/(2/3) hens
X = 3/2 hens
VOL. 1, ISS. 9 06/04/99
A BRAND NEW CONUNDRUM FOR A BRAND NEW WOOD LOUSE
Thinning hair, thickening plots. Thick and thin are similar-sounding counterparts as adjectives, so why don't they transform into verbs in the same way? Why does the plot thicken instead of thick? Why don't men complain of thinnening hair? Think of how much easier life would be for people with lisps if the superfluous "en" were removed from "thickening." At present, if a lisping person says, "thickening," you have no way of knowing whether they mean "thickening" or "sickening."...
VOL. 1, ISS. 11. 06/18/99
PUT DOWN THE RAZOR
...Straight from the 50s, this quaint establishment featured two senile barbers who were so enamored with the technological advance of the electric razor that they make every attempt to use actual scissors as little as possible. And, as if that weren't attractive enough, Matt's barbery experience was colored by several pearls of wisdom and nonsensical conversations between the proprietors. For example:
"I always wanted to go on a horse. They say the best way to go is for someone to walk through a door and shoot you in the back. What could be better than that?"
"There are two programs called 'Cops'."
"It's the same program, just different episodes."
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 1 08/28/99
SPEAKING OF BERKELEY...
...Whoops! Can't drive down this street! There's a giant stone barrier in the intersection! Forget about driving down Parker! There's an ever-watchful firebreathing Gryphon guarding the path! Uh, oh! This street has a giant boulder rolling across it! And check out those restless natives throwing rocks and spears! ... Is this what it's like in Norway?
VOLUME 2, ISSUE 3 09/18/99
WELCOME TO NARNIA
...No longer placated with mere socks, this thing is eating towels! ... Only by destroying this towel can Matt sever his ties with his twisted past and concentrate on his new neutralverted, busybody, sexless life in Berkeley. Wow. Towels.
V.2 I.5 10/02/99
BRINGING UP THE REAR
Matt got a new chair today. It's one of those up-down moving chairs that let you pretend you're on a space ship. ... In addition to instructions like "Step 4. Slide chair back with Seat back support between chair seat and seat plate making sure it locks into the steel reinforcement.first followed by lock washer(L) .and Place washer (K) on Adjustment knob (M) and insert through seat plate into Seat back support. Tighten.", the crate o' chair bits also included a smaller rectangular box containing the little gas thingy that lets the chair go up and down and a telescope looking thing to cover up the gas thingy. The side of this box contains, in giant red letters, "SCREW PACK IN IT". I don't think any of us can hope to know what this means, but in any case, Matt has a new place to put his bottom.
And he certainly has. Thanks, Cementhorizon, for putting up with 100 of these things.