July 2003 Archives

Comic Stripper 12: Rope 2

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Behold, the ghost of Comic Stripper yet to come. The thing in Claudio's thought bubble is supposed to be like those numbers you used to see before movies started. Remember? Remember the movies?

More next week. Jest you wait. For jesting.

Ballz 2tha Wallz


If you're one of the handful of people who hasn't grown completely bored with my strip club saga, rest assured that the thrilling climax of Comic Stripper will be along within the next two weeks. This week has been particularly eventful, and has left precious little time for cartooning. Meli and I signed a lease in Alameda, and to celebrate we moved our wedding date up a whole year. So now we're getting married in December, and even with our committment to a miniature wedding there's all kinds of things to get planned. For example, walking into a Catholic church the day before your wedding and saying "Look, you'll take our money, all right?" isn't the most effective way to convince a priest to get his officiation on. The fact that my family's parish, Meli's family's parish, the parish where Meli and I will be taking our wedding classes, and the parish where the actual ceremony is going to take place are four different parishes also isn't helping. But no matter. I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!

So I'm planning on some intense cartooning next week after my summer job working for the Man has drawn to a sputtering close. I'll also have to start packing, I sign up for classes on Wednesday, and I have my first 2L interview on Friday in The OC, but apart from that I'll pretty much be sitting around wondering why I've suddenly developed the habit of biting my nails until they bleed.

In the meantime, please feel free to download some pictures of a hot Indian girl or turn yourself into a cabbage.

Instant Cover Band Puff Piece


Attention music writers! Why waste time thinking up whole new sentences for the same old bands? Just use this handy-dandy form-article and your verbal talents will be gracing the pages of Rolling Stone, Spin, or Your shitty college newspaper in no time! Motherfucker!

[BAND NAME] Not Just Another Cover Band

[BAND NAME] has been topping the charts with their sassy cover of [COVER TITLE], a popular song by 80s ["musician"/"group"] [NAME]. But, unlike previous bands who broke through with covers such as Harvey Danger, Orgy, Alient Ant Farm, and [MOST RECENT WORN-OUT COVER BAND], these boys are here to stay.

"A lot of people think we came out with [COVER TITLE] just to make money," says frontman [FRONTMAN]. "But that's not the case. We recorded [COVER TITLE] because it's a great song and we have a lot of respect for [COVEREE NAME]. We've been playing the song for over ["one"/"three"/"five"] years."

Growing up in ["San Diego"/"Orange County"], [BAND NAME]'s innovative blend of punk, hip hop, and ["metal"/"ska"/"electronica"] was heavily influenced by [COVEREE NAME], among others.

When asked about the Cover Band Kiss of Death, [BAND NAME] were unconcerned. "We've worked to hard too just pop and fizzle with poppy cover," says guitarist [GUITARIST]. "We have something fresh to bring to the music scene, and we're not going away."

Whether the band's confidence is well-placed remains to be seen. Their next single, [SINGLE TITLE], is a hokey, uninspired love song scheduled to debut next month.

Comic Stripper 11: Rope


For those of you who were hoping to see some bondage action in this series, I disappoint you yet again.

In other news, I got my first EpiPen today. An EpiPen is a little gadget that injects adrenaline into your body to make sure you don't die from things like bee stings and peanuts, if you're the kind of person who tends to die from those things. If you're not, it just gives you a wicked high. I've somehow managed to survive 24.75 years of peanut (and possibly bee sting) allergy without ever using, or even owning, such a device (despite frequent airplane rides and encounters with people like Lydia), but now that I'm becoming a big responsible adult I figured it was time to start looking out for myself. I'm also eating less poison.

When the pharmacist gave it to me she insisted that I go and have a nurse train me on how to use it. She said it had to be injected at just the right angle, that the angle was really important, that I needed a nurse to show me the angle, that I would totally die if I didn't get the angle right. So I checked out the instructions that were included in the goddamned box and found the magic angle to be .......... 90 degrees. Call me hubristic, but I think I can handle that without seeking the aid of a nurse with a protractor.

So, dear friends, if we're ever hanging out and I start wheezing, swelling, and generally going into conniptions, kindly search my pockets for an amber-colored tube, jab me in the thigh with it, and keep it there until I ask for more. Charles Darwin will stir slightly in his grave, and I'll live to write another long and boring story about being allergic to peanuts.

Triomphe Cruller


----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 10:28 AM
Subject: i send to you this picture



Attachment: cruller.jpeg

Steve <...> wrote:

Are you sure that's Lugae and not Belknab, or some similar name? I have my doubts. Isn't Lugae a shriveled looking science type guy?

Good work though.


----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 11:39 AM
Subject: Re: i send to you this picture

steve, you disappoint me. balnab is indeed lugae's giant killer robot, but after you defeat balnab lugae turns into a giant robot himself. i figured if lugae were going to take on the likes of Savory Cruller he'd transform into robot battle mode.

glad you liked it.


Steve <...> wrote:

Your first sentence is beyond hurtful. Your picture is of an enemy called Belnab-Z which is controlled by Lugae but is not something that Lugae turns into, as in a physical metamorphism. I refer you to this page which should vindicate my position http://www.ffonline.com/ff4/bosses2.htm

We are geeky as fuck

----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 11:56 AM
Subject: Re: i send to you this picture

we certainly are. i didn't mean to hurt you, but I'M RIGHT!!!

"If you leave Lugae standing after defeating Balnab, Lugae will eventually take control of Balnab himself to become Balnab-Z."

lugae is doing the becoming in this sentence. is the incredible hulk bruce banner? i would say yes. you might disagree. but the fight poster may still be accurate, since clearly if wretched lugae were to get into a fight he'd use some kind of robot.

geeky beyond fuck.


Steve <...> wrote:

Two items, first there is a single physical image in the game that is identified as Lugae, and you have not used it. Second, I believe that the sentence you quote indicates that your enemy is no longer called Lugae but now called Belnab-Z, I do not believe that it indicates that the physical entity known as Lugae has ceased to exist and all that is left is a new form he has assumed called Belnab-Z. Ergo, you should have used the shriveled science guy. And further, the quote "wretched lugae" clearly refers to the shriveled dude.


----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 1:57 PM
Subject: Re: i send to you this picture

but is the incredible hulk bruce banner?


Steve <...> wrote:

sure, but that's a physical transformation of one being into another, not the equivalent of a midget climbing into R2D2 and working some controls.


----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 2:08 PM
Subject: Re: i send to you this picture

i'm pretty sure that lugae physically transforms into balnab-z. that's why balnab has hair, and his head is shaped differently. if lugae just climbed into balnab the robot's physical form wouldn't change.

maximum geeky!!!


besides, the pictures of dr. lugae are too small to make for an exciting prizefight poster.

Steve <...> wrote:

I find the physical transformation angle unlikely. I reluctantly accept your p.s. explanation and will speak of this no further.


----- Original Message -----
From: Matt
To: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 2:18 PM
Subject: Re: i send to you this picture

very well. do you mind if i post this little exchange on the blog? i think this is good shit.


Steve <...> wrote:

Well, despite the embarrassing level of nerdQ displayed on all sides, I suppose that would be all right.

Also one final thought. Milon-Z is the only other "Z" monster, and that seems to just be Milon with a different image, leading me to believe that Belnab-Z is in fact Belnab with Lugae at the controls, not Lugae himself, who would presumably be called "Lugae-Z"


Just in case I haven't already antagonized everyone in sight with my RIAA apologism, I bring you the single most offensive IFTL strip ever. I await your feminist vitriol.

In other news, pizza cures cancer, and I've once again added some chums to the Links page. Say hello to Julie the jeweler, lovely wife of jmv, Brewmeister Greg, and Todd of the San Diego Todds. I'm finding my loyalties increasingly divided between blogspot and cementhorizon, so if you CH folks want to win me back you'd better make with the comments.

Oh, I'm just kidding. I hate all of you equally. And thoroughly. And you love it.

We're All Going to Jail


If Congressmen Conyers and Berman have their way, that is. For now, we'll only have to worry about civil ramifications. That's right. 871 subpoenas.

Not having taken Intellectual Property yet I don't have anything terribly informed to say on the subject. For now I'll open up the floor to discussion, and just say that I find this really, really scary.

Comic Stripper 9: Pokey is Running

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I realize that Monday came and went with Comic Stripper 9, but I warned you early on that I likely wouldn't keep to the schedule. I owe nothing to you people.

I'll also say that I've been doing this goddamned comic for nearly eleven months and this week marks the first reference to Pokey the Penguin. I couldn't have done it without my inability to properly convey scenery changes between frames.

Finally, here be cool t-shirts, much better than that Bling Bling Gary Coleman shit they have at T-Shirt Orgy. I'll grant any mortal three wishes, he who bring me this shirt, the greatest graphic ever, tragically placed on that terrible textured gray pitstaining color. Flipdown shades and dates with ASUC Senators are not available as wishes.



An elderly man just drove his Oldsmobile through a farmer's market off the Third Street Promenade at 60 miles per hour, killing eight people and injuring several others. Since Meli and I typically make several visits to the Promenade each week, I'm a little disturbed by this.

Top 5 Reasons I Shouldn't be a Pirate


Just about everyone I know with a blog is blogging about Pirates of the Carribean, so in characteristic fashion I'll turn the conversation toward myself and list a few reasons why it's a bad idea for me to be a pirate. Special thanks to the attorneys and interns I just lunched with for helping me brainstorm.

1. I don't like rum. In fact, I hate rum. It's the only alcoholic beverage that I've encountered that I really can't stand. I'm not counting things like Kalua and Bailey's, which I also don't like. Creamy alcoholic liquids aren't beverages, they're abominations.

2. I don't like sea food. Pirates are often depicted messily devouring turkey legs and ham hocks, but I imagine they eat mainly fish, which wouldn't do for me. I may or may not be allergic to fish, and I don't care enough to find out.

3. I burn easily. Ever seen an Irish pirate? Yeah, that's what I thought.

4. I find consensual sex to be more satisfying than the alternative. Judge me if you must.

5. I'm not Chinese. Apparently most pirates these days hang out in the South China Sea, and a roundeye like me would stand out like a redhead in Asia. I'm not sure if the South China Sea is a real sea. If not the pirates probably aren't real, either.

Lies, I Tell You, Filthy, Wretched Lies


A bunch of goddamned Canadians have decided that Stonehenge was built to resemble a giant vagina. If you read between the lines the article suggests that, specifically, Stonehenge is supposed to be the Earth's vagina.

Yes, you brilliant Canadian scientists. I'm sure the ancient druids who were smart enough to lift giant rocks into a geometric configuration were also exactly as mature as Gabe from Penny Arcade.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, video games make you smarter.

Comic Stripper 8: Ellen Pays the Rent

Chapter 8 will hopefully shed some light on how law students with unpaid summer jobs manage to support themselves. It's something that has baffled me for quite some time. Quite some time indeed.

I mean, come on, people. What's your secret? The PILF grants max out at $5,000 and aren't available for government work (including judicial externships). And even if you could get the grant, how the hell do you live in L.A. for three months on $5,000? I have a paying job and I'm still squeaking by. Of course, a large portion of my paycheck goes to expensive gourment donuts, but that's beside the point.

So what is it, folks? Are L.A. strip clubs filled with law students on both sides of the railing? Are you all living with your parents? Is there a money fountain somewhere on Wilshire West? If so, tell me where it is, 'cause I want some.

That's No Good



JMV has posted several entries regarding disturbing developments in the area of robot domination, but I for one am more worried about giant children terrorizing the otherwise peaceful populace.

Given the size and strength of these Eastern European preschoolers I think The Onion may be more prophetic than one might think.


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I've once again updated the Links page, adding the following ne'er-do-wells to my disreputable badminton team:

CalStuff is the blog of publication whore Kevin Deenihan, wherein he writes about the University I once again hole so dear. Next up is Chun, future ambassador to Japan, who apparently just had a birthday. I've also added a return link to IFTL fan Faith C., UNLV's answer to Over the Top. Last but certainly not least is Paul, the inspiration for the O.C. strip club mogul in Comic Stripper.

So go ahead and check these fools out when you get tired of reading about strippers and kittens.

A new strip is up, in case you thought I forgot that there were two more characters in the marquee.

Molly saved a kitten last week. She was enjoying her Thursday afternoon off when she heard a strange crying from outside, which turned out to be a four-week-old kitten trapped in an air vent nextdoor. Molly extricated the kitten from the vent, which involved prying its claws off the grating (remember that kittens have an adorable way of clinging tenaciously to whatever happens to be in reach of their sharp yet non-retractable claws), and took it to a nearby PetCo to see if they'd take it. According to Molly the Petco personnel were "Nice, but very unhelpful." PetCo doesn't carry cats and dogs, and Molly couldn't exactly wait until Sunday when the cat adoption people came around.

So she sat outside PetCo with the kitten wrapped in a dish towel hanging out in a shopping basket, periodically picking the kitten up and putting it back into the basket. Finally a passerby suggested that she take it across the street to the smaller, mom and pop pet store which, as luck would have it, runs a full-on cat and dog rescue operation in the back of the store.

That was Thursday. On Saturday we went back to the pet store to visit the kitten. The owner took us into the back of the store, where there was a wall lined with cages, most containing dogs who had seen, shall we say, better days. All the way at the end of the row was a large cage containing a tiny ball of black fluff which, it turns out, really dislikes being held.

The owner told us that in another day or two the kitten would have died on account of the fleas. Apparently it had 150 fleas on it, and that many fleas on an animal that size can cause terminal anemia.

So hooray Molly, champion of downtrodden felines.

Pile of Gunk Found


I've been following this story about the giant sea monster with much childish fascination. Partly because I think it's cool that in this day and age with all our Science and whatnot we can still find giant animals that we haven't seen before (or at least not for over a hundred years), partly because it reminds me a lot of one of the Great Jesse Johnson's most fastabulous drug-induced newsflashes*, but mainly because it allows me to picture a bunch of Chilean scientists standing around a 13-ton pile of gunk, scratching their scientist heads until someone says, "Why don't we poke it with a stick?", and a few minutes later someone else says, "Okay, you do it."

* I have no evidence that the newsflash was at all drug-induced, or that Jesse Johnson ever did drugs. It's just difficult to imagine someone coming up with a newsflash like that without artificially altering their mind in some way. I'm sorry, Jesse, if I offended you, but you're a gifted humorist and a damn good Top Dog griller.

Further samplings of the genius that is Doublejay can be found here and here.

Oh, yeah. Bet you didn't see that coming.

The other day I went to lunch with a bunch of Oxy lawyers, and I somehow managed to turn the conversation toward strip clubs, as I'm wont to do. I mentioned UCLA Law alum and stripper advocate Roger Diamond and hate rays suddenly started flying around the table. It turns out that Mr. Diamond was the founder of No Oil, a group dedicated to stopping Occidental Petroleum from drilling off the shore of Pacific Palisades. Small world, no?

So between that and my comment about how the Oreos in cookies 'n' cream ice cream aren't crumbled assembly line cookies but rather the stuff they sweep off the factory floor at the end of the day, I established myself as the least desirable lunch buddy in the history of the Universe.

Headin' on Back to Berkeley



Yes, folks. I am now the happiest 2L transfer in all the land. Berkeley and I are now friends again. Here's how I picture our Oprah Winfrey interview in thirty years:

Oprah: Welcome back, we're talking with Matt and the University of California at Berkeley and learning more about their inspiring relationship. [Quietly, after a dramatic pause.] I'd like to talk now about the 2002-2003 academic year.
[Berkeley lowers head, Matt squeezes Berkeley's hand.]
Matt: [To Berkeley.] It's okay. It's okay. [To Oprah.] What can I say? We were heading in different directions. We needed some time apart. I see that now. Of course, back then I was furious. I begged her to let me stay, but she insisted. But now I realize that she was so much stronger than I was.
Berkeley: [Crying.] No, it's my fault. I pushed you away.
Matt: Don't say that! Don't ever say that. It was me and you know it. We had a routine, a life together. Four years of Physics. It was selfish of me to suddenly ask you for a J.D. You had every right to send me out into the world to make sure I knew what I wanted.
Oprah: And what about UCLA?
Matt: Oh, we had some fun together. But she knew that I was still hung up on Berkeley. And she was fine with it. There'll always be a special place in my heart for UCLA.
Berkeley: You know, it's funny...
Oprah: What's funny?
Berkeley: Well, UCLA actually helped bring us back together.
Matt: Oh, that's right! It was...
Berkeley: It was your Civil...
Matt: My Civil Procedure professor, right. Wrote the recommendation letter. You gotta hand it to UCLA. Even though she knew I wanted someone else she had my interests in mind the whole time. She just wanted me to be happy, even if it meant leaving her.
Berkeley: And when I saw how Matt was treating UCLA, well...
Matt: [Faux whisper.] I think she was jealous.
Berkeley: Well can you blame me?

So next time you guys go a-paddlin' or a-baseballin', make room for one more. I'll be there on August 15th.

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This page is an archive of entries from July 2003 listed from newest to oldest.

June 2003 is the previous archive.

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