First, some general comments. I've never been able to get all the points on this game, so there are a few things missing. Also, as a general rule it's best to talk to people until it won't let you anymore, since you sometimes get more points for talking longer. Finally, this thing took me two hours to write in a single sitting from memory. And now, on with the game.

You start out on a pier. Walk right to the next screen, climb down the ladder, and swim back to the left. Swim to the NET tangled on the pier and take it. Swim back to shore. Walk north along the beach to get a PICKET from a broken fence. Walk farther north and touch the small log at the top of the screen. You'll find a CLAM SHELL under the log. Use the shell on yourself and it will turn into a PEARL.

Now you're ready to leave the beach. The landscape consists of a path winding through a forest. Notable landmarks are the beach house, Hagatha's cave, the dwarf's house, the swamp entrance, the bridge, the church, and the town gate. Each of these things should be easy to find since, unlike King's Quest I, the King's Quest II map doesn't wrap around.

Near Hagatha's cave are two ponds: One with a yellow duckling in it and one with a swan and a few signets. Go to the duckling pond and use the net on the DUCKLING. Then head up to the swan pond and use the duckling on the swan. The swans will swim into formation, the duckling will turn into a signet, and the family will fly away. A FEATHER will drop as the swans exit. Take the feather.

After the swans, head south and east. In the screen south of the dwarf's house you'll find some COINS on the ground. Near the coins, a small bit of rope sticks out of the ground. Use your sword on the rope, and then take the coins.

Head back west and find the path. Walk along the path until you see a lemon tree. Take a LEMON. Stay on the path until you hit a screen where the path is more or less horizontal all the way through. North of this screen is a pumpkin patch. Touch the biggest pumpkin, and it will come to life and start talking. Talk to the pumpkin until you can't anymore, and you'll learn (among other things) that one of her children has been stolen).

Head east again until you find the bridge. Cross the bridge (carefully). East of the bridge is the stone door. As you approach it it will turn into a face, and if you talk to the face you'll learn the plot of the game: You need to collect three stones to get through the door and find your woman. After vowing to find the stones so you can get busy with the mysterious redhead head back across the bridge to find a scrap of paper on the ground. Take it and read it to find out who you need to talk to in the town.

Head back to the path. You'll see a sign that says "TOWN," and north of the sign is a large tree. Touch the top hole to find a MALLET. Continue north to the town.

Before entering the town, touch the haystack to have a conversation with an allergic creature living in the haystack. Then head into the town.

The town has a bunch of people in it and seems to provide a lot of options as to where to go. Unfortunately you can only talk to one person, you can't go north or east, and at this point you can only go into one building. Head to the door farthest to the right (the one with a sign on it). The sign contains a tribute to the guy they dedicated the game to, which you'll see if you look at it. There's a scrap of paper sticking out from the door. Use the picket on the door to retrieve the paper. It's a LIBRARY CARD addressed to the deceased resident.

Nextdoor is the library. Talk to the bitchy librarian until she won't talk to you anymore, then try to give her the library card. She won't take it because it isn't signed. Wait until she looks away and touch the quill (she'll yell at you if she sees you try to take it). You'll sign the card and replace the quill. After signing the card, show it to the librarian again and she'll let you read books. Talk to her and she'll bring you a book. Touch the book to find out about the mer-people.

Leave the library and talk to the merchant (he'll be easy to spot, especially considering the sad baby pumpkin next to him). If you keep talking to him you'll find that he (conveniently enough) loves pearls. Use the pearl on him and he'll give you the COMB. After completing the transaction, use the coins on the fountain, and talk to the merchant again. While he's looking for the coins in the fountain, take the PUMPKIN. Get the hell out of the town before the merchant heads back to his perch. If he makes it back while you're still in the town, you'll have to put the pumpkin back.

Leave the town and head back to the pumpkin patch. Use the baby pumpkin on the mother pumpkin and witness a heart-warming family reunion. The mother pumpkin will give you a BROOCH. Talk to the mother again and learn that the baby pumpkin is thirsty for bitter water. Head back south and east until you find a small spring near some rocks. You still have the BOWL that the baby pumpkin was in. Use the bowl on the water to fill the bowl. You can drink the water, but nothing will happen. Use the lemon on the bowl of water to make the water bitter (because, in this universe, lemons are bitter, not sour). Head back to the patch and dump the water on the pumpkin. The mother will give you a CANDLE.

Head back to the beach. At some point in the game, either now or after you get the first stone, a little girl in a red cloak will appear near the beach (one screen east of the shore). Talk to her to learn that she lost her basket. The BASKET is hidden somewhere on the landscape and is pretty easy to spot (brown with yellow flowers). Give the basket to the little girl and she'll give you a FLOWER.

Back at the beach, walk along the shore until you see a mermaid. Use the comb on her and she'll give you a NECKLACE. She'll then kiss you and make like she's giving you head. She'll drag you under and, lo and behold, you can breathe underwater. She'll bring you a giant seahorse, which you can then ride to the land of the mer-people. Talk to King Neptune and learn that he'll give you the Birth Gem if you run an errand for him. After you're done talking, exit the screen and you'll ride the King's Best Seahorse (which makes one wonder why some random mermaid was able to take it and lend it to some guy at the beach, not to mention why the mermaid is hot rather than green and scaly unlike all the other mer-people) to the land of the Sharkees.

The Sharkee area consists of a bunch of more or less identical screens, some of which have Sharkees in them. Some screens have regular sharks, which you don't have to worry about at all. If you come to a screen with a Sharkee, immediately exit the screen the way you came in, and go the hell around that screen to get where you need to go. Along the north side of the area is a shipwreck. Touch the shipwreck to find a BOTTLE. Use the bottle on yourself to find a CLOTH inside the bottle. West of the shipwreck (you'll have to go around a Sharkee) are a bunch of glowing fish eating a PLANT. Take the plant, then use the plant on the bottle, then use the bottle on the fish. Some fish will swim into the bottle, creating a living, enslaved lantern! Boo yea!

At the southwest of the area, there's a canyon kind of thing leading to a back entrance to the Sharkee Palace. The back entrance is a false wall, indicated by fish swimming in and out of it. Ride through the wall, and then you'll ride unmolested through the back tunnels of the Sharkee Palace. You'll end up at a giant clam shell. Use the sword on the shell to open it up. This will involve dismounting. Swim into the opening without the seahorse, and you'll find yourself in the Sharkee King's throne room. The seahorse will follow you, but it's cool.

Listen in on a conversation between the king and his guards in which is comically misunderstands the term "good will." The king will head over to the safe and punch in a combination. Memorize the combination (if the very top stone is "0" and the one to the right is "1", the combination is 3, 1, 1, 7, I think). Wait until the King leaves and then touch the seahorse. The seahorse will start galavanting around the room, and the remaining guards will chase him. As soon as you can, use the hand icon on the safe to swim to it. A screen will appear on which you can either enter the combination or skip it for fewer points. Touch the TRIDENT after the safe opens. When you return to the regular screen, swim back to the exit as soon as you can (if you take too long the guards will notice you and kill you).

Back outside, touch the seahorse to remount him. You'll have an opportunity to play an "arcade sequence," which is basically using the left and right arrow keys to avoid stalagmites. If you don't want to do it you can skip it for fewer points. After you escape from the tunnel, use the trident on the wall, and it will turn solid, followed by a comical "thud." Navigate your way back to where you entered the Sharkee area (look for the upward slope in the northeast). Now, instead of running from Sharkees, you can use the trident on them to turn them into fish. You don't get any points for doing this, but it's kind of fun.

Back at Neptune's palace you'll have a party and shoot the bull and all that before returning to the shore, with no remaining underwater breathing abilities or chances of scoring with the mermaid. Head back to the town.

Before you enter the town, use the cloth on the haystack. The creature will blow its nose with it and give it back to you, then sneeze again, blowing a silver NEEDLE out onto the grass. Take the needle.

Go in to the library and talk to the bitchy librarian. She'll give you a book about Daventry, which you can touch to read. Talk to her again and she'll give you a book about the count, which you can touch to read. That's the last bit of information you'll get out of the librarian.

Leave the library and go into the antique shop on the west side of town. Talk to the owner, who'll agree to give you a magic LAMP if you run an errand for her. Leave the town and head to Hagatha's cave. Touch the right skull to turn it toward the bat. Use the Birth Gem on the left skull, then use the mallet to knock it into place. Touch the left skull to turn it, making the bat disappear. It's now safe to enter Hagatha's cave.

Carefully make your way along the very top of the cave, or else Hagatha will see you and kill you. First stop: the cloak. Touch the cloak to get a KEY and a ROUND THING. Sticking to the north wall, walk over to the BIRD CAGE. Use the cloth on the cage, then use the key on the lock, then take the bird cage. Sticking to the north wall, make your way back to the entrance.

Back outside, take the cloth off the cage and look at the cage to find a letter from the store owner to Hagatha, which will provide some useless backstory. Don't forget to use the mallet on the left skull and take back the Birth Gem. Head back to town.

Return to the antique shop and use the cafe on the owner, and she'll get all excited and give you the lamp and go to the back of the store where it turns out that she's going to get all evil with the nightengale. Use the lamp on yourself and you'll find not a genie, but a NOTE. Read the note (signed by a clever anagram) and find out what to do next. Look for the white statue all the way at the right of the screen and touch the tip of whatever he's holding. A trap door will open. Head down the trap door.

Touch the note on the table for more useless background story. Look for the CARPET toward the left of the screen and take it. After you take the carpet, you'll hear a conversation between Hagatha and Angelina upstairs. At the end of it the YOUTH POTION will fall through the floorboards. Take the potion and head back upstairs.

Touch the statue again and leave the shop, then leave the town. Find an open space and use the carpet on yourself to fly up to a mountain. Head east. You'll find a snake guarding the path. Use the necklace to hypnotize the snake and safely pass.

Don't touch the goddamn hole in the rock. It's a stupid advertisement that doesn't give you any points, and you can't escape through it. Head into the cave. Touch the book on the table to learn the recipe for the magic emerald.

I should pause here to note that the following set of tasks reveals that this game could not POSSIBLY be passed without the aid of a walk-through or a 1-900 number. It's just plain retarded.

After reading the book, touch the table. Use the brooch on the beaker, then use the flower on the beaker. Then use the sword on the flint beneath the beaker. Then use the feather on the beaker to stir the shit together. Then use the mallet on the sword to get a CRYSTAL and a guilt trip, then use the crystal on the beaker. Then TALK TO THE FUCKING BEAKER to say the magic words, and take the goddamn EMERALD.

Look at the words written on the east wall of the cave to find out where to use the emerald to get something neat. There's something you can do in the cave to make the enchanter appear, but I'm not sure what it is. Try walking around on the carpet. Anyway, when the enchanter appears he'll try to turn you into something but he won't be able to because you have the emerald. Then you'll be able to banish the enchanter and all his wickedness.

Leave the cave and head back west. The snake will be unhypnotized and you won't be able to use the necklace on him. Instead, use the emerald to turn the snake into a flying horse (naturally). Talk to the horse and learn that he needs his bridle.

Go west and use the carpet on yourself to return to the ground. Find the row of six stones the cave writing referred to and use the emerald on the second stone from the right (it's phrased weird in the engraving, but that's the one you need - the others will explode and kill you). The stone will turn into a BRIDLE. Take the bridle Find an open space and use the carpet to return to the mountain.

Return to the horse and use the bridle on him, then touch him and he'll take you to the Big Head in the Clouds. Fortunately this time you don't have to run any errands, you just have to pass a test. The Big Head will show you three retarded vignettes, and at the end of each one you have to decide what to say. In the first one, I always choose "SACRIFICIAL LAMB." In the second one, "SEVERING THE LIFELINE" or "FINAL ACT OF DEFIANCE" will get you the point and the win. The former will get you the option of "THE MADNESS OF KING GRAHAM" in the third one. That one gets you no points, but you'll still pass. Either of the two other options will get you the pass, but "NO TO KNIGHT" gets you the point. Back at the Big Head, take the Air Gem out of his mouth and touch the horse again to return to the ground.

Back on land, night has fallen. The horse gives you a SUGAR CUBE after he drops you off. Head to the church and go inside. Touch the Bible on the pew for some useless back story and a less clever anagram, and you'll find a loose BIBLE PAGE. Read the page to find out how to get through the swamp. Don't worry about memorizing it, since you'll be able to take it with you.

After getting the bible page, touch the altar and you'll pray, after which the monk will get up with you. Talk to the monk and get a CROSS. Talk to the monk some more and you'll learn some stuff.

Leave the church and head west. Two wolves will dart past you, and you'll follow them to learn that the monk is, in fact, a werewolf who plans on killing you. Ignore that for now and continue on your way.

Head to the area south of the dwarf's house where you'll find the little girl from before crying on a rock. Talk to hear to learn that a dwarf stoled her soup, and vow to recover her soup. Go to the dwarf's house and knock on the door, then stand in the crack in the rocks to the right of his house. After the dwarf leaves the screen, head into the house. Climb down the ladder and head east. Take the SOUP. Touch the trunk to get the MONEY. Then get the hell out of there. If you take to long the dwarf will return and knife you to death.

Take the soup back to the beach house and go inside. Use the soup on the fireplace to heat it up, then use it on the old woman in the bed. After she eats it, talk to her. She'll tell you about some shit under the bed. Touch the bed to get the CLOAK and the RUBY RING. Talk to the woman some more to learn a dickload of useless backstory.

Leave the house (I think they put in an exchange between Hagatha and the Father here) and head toward the swamp. Walk through the swamp as directed by the Bible page and you'll find a ghoulish boatman. Before you talk to the boatman, take a REED from the growth to the right of the boatman. Then use the needle on the water (you'll dip the needle in the water and make it poisonous). Use the needle on the reed to make a blowgun, which will be useful later.

Talk to the boatman until you cain't talk no more, then give him the money from the dwarf's chest. He'll take you across the water to the castle. As soon as you leave the boat, use the sugar cube on yourself. Then walk up the path toward the castle. The poisonous thorns are powerless against your righteous flying horse sugar cube.

Two ghosts will be floating in front of the castle entrance. Use the cloak on yourself and the ghosts will leave you alone. Use the cross on the cross-shaped keyhole and enter the castle. Inside you'll see three possible routes. First, go straight. Use the candle on the candelabra to light your candle. Head back into the foyer and take the left staircase. Take the SHOVEL. Head back to the lobby and take the right staircase. Then take the staircase at the top of the staircase down to the bottom of the staircase at the top of the other staircase. Go west through the door. Touch the coffin. You can't lift it! Use the cloak on yourself to take it off, then open it.

The Count will appear in a puff of smoke, and after some meaningless chit chat he'll pin you against the wall. Quickly use the ruby ring on him and he'll let you go (but he'll take your cloak and cross key!). Touch the coffin again. At the interior view of the coffin, touch the pillow. It's the Death Gem! Game over! Take the gem.

Head back up the stairs, then down the stairs, then up the left stairs. Go up the stairs at the top of the stairs and touch the window to climb out of it. Use the walking icon to climb down the wall. You'll be attacked by bats and fall, then there'll be a swirlie thing and you'll see the hot redhead singing a song about you.

You'll wake up at a heavily laden dinner table with the count and a female vampire, who turns out to be the old woman from the beach house. A great deal of exposition follows, during which the Count agrees to give you the Death Gem if (surprise surprise) you run an errand for him. Talk to the count and Mrs. Count until you're done, then head downstairs.

Go back into the room where you lit the candle, where you'll find another female vampire. Talk to her to learn that it's the little girl with the basket and the soup and all that, who has suddenly transformed into a sexy goth chick. For some reason every woman in this game has enormous breasts. Anyway, she'll give you a BOOK. Use the book on yourself to open it, then read it. You'll also get a BOOK KEY. The book will give you a stupid poem that tells you which books to touch in which order to make something special happen. The books are:

The Three Little Pigs
Little Bo Peep
Romeo and Juliet
Treasure Island

If you talk to Anastasia (the girl) after reading the book, she'll walk over to the north bookshelf and show you that "Maws" is some kind of monster that lives behind the books (if you screw up the books, you'll find that Maws has tentacles). She'll offer to turn you into a vampire, and you'll say no. Touch the north bookshelf and the screen will change to just the shelf. Hovering the eyeball icon over the books will show their titles without clicking. Look for the books, and touch them in order. After you touch Romeo and Juliet, Treasure Island will appear out of nowhere. Touch it, and you'll take it off the shelf. Use the key on the book and you'll get a clue as to where to look for the tiara.

Leave the room. Anastasia will stop you to give you a BRACELET, and then she'll show you her boobs. Head back into the foyer and leave the castle. Head west to the graveyard. The ghosts are back. Use the bracelet on them and they'll back off momentarily. Look at the graves nearest to you until you find Anastasia's parents' grave. Use the bracelet on that grave and the ghosts will talk to you. A RING will appear on the grave. Take the ring.

The grave you need to dig up based on Treasure Island is toward the top of the screen. Use the shovel on that grave, then touch the hole you dug, then touch the chest inside the grave. It turns out you have to jackass all the way back to the church.

Head back down the path to the boatman, leave the swamp, and make your way back to the church. There will be a big pentagram and some cloaks on the floor, and the cross on the wall will have been removed to show a mural of some kind of monk werewolf ritual. Exit south into the graveyard and look for the grave that the other grave mentioned. Dig up that grave, touch the hole, touch the chest, and take the TIARA.

Walk back through the church and head back west. A wolf will come running toward you. You can escape easily by immediately walking south. Alternatively, you can kill the wolf with your sword. I've done this once. There are three wolves, and I was only able to kill them by slowing the game down first. You don't get any points for killing the wolves, and it's a pain in the ass, and you get guilt tripped for killing things in this game, so I always just run.

Make your way back through the swamp. This time, when you get to the boatman screen, the boatman isn't there and a bunch of werewolves have followed you. Use the blowgun on the leader of the werewolves (the one standing on two legs and wearing clothes). He'll die, and the other wolves will run away. The boatman will return, you'll say something sarcastic, and he'll take you back across to the castle.

The count will give you the Death Gem. Your quest is complete. Only not really. There's some more exposition, and then you get leave the castle and have the boatman take you back across. Already things are a little more cheery in the swamp, and when you get back to the beach the sun is out again.

This next part is another example of how impossible this stupid game is to figure out on your own.

Head back to the bridge. Cross it carefully. One of the boards breaks and your leg gets caught. The dwarf shows up and demands the gems. Use the cloth on one of the gems, and you'll end up with all three gems in a BUNDLE. Use the bundle on the grass on the east side of the bridge to throw them across. The dwarf will freak out and give you his KNIFE. Use the knife on the exposed rope near your leg, and you'll swing into the east side of the ravine. Immediately touch the bridge above your head to climb to the top. You'll throw the knife into the ravine, grab the stones, and be on your way.

Use the bundle on yourself to separate the stones. Use the stones one by one on the door in the order you got them (Birth, Air, Death). The door will open and give you a choice of a bunch of different realms. The correct realm is "TOWER REALM", but if you have some time to kill each of the other realms is a different humorous dead end based on various roleplaying games.

On the other end of the door you'll find yourself in a surreal world where the sky is orange and the ocean is purple. You'll also find that you can't go anywhere. Use the net in the water over and over until you catch a giant orange fish. Touch the fish, then touch the water to throw the fish back into the water. In gratitutde for saving the fish's life (!), the fish will carry you across the ocean to Hot Girl Island. Touch the fish and go for a ride.

Walk east a few screens until you see a darkened circle in the sand. Stand on the circle and some writing will appear. Touch the writing and it will show you a little poem and turn into a teleporter. Stand on the teleporter to reach a smaller island, where you'll find another darkened circle. Repeat the process. Climb the tree and take a COCONUT. Use your sword on the coconut, then use the coconut on the ocean to fill it with water. Then use the coconut on the circle to pour out the water and turn the circle into another teleporter. Apparently Hot Redheaded Girl requires her suitors to be able to perform simple tasks based on picture sequences. Don't use this teleporter yet. There's a piece of QUARTZ on the smaller island. Take it, and go back to the other teleporter and return to the big island.

Go west, then north to the tower. Use the round thing from Hagatha's cave on the door, then use the quartz on the door. The lion statues will come to life and get all Labyrinth on you. Whichever one says something along the lines of "If you ask him whether I know how to get in, he will say 'no'" will tell you the right sequence of elements to press on the round thing to open the door. At least I think that's how it works. Just save before you try it, and if you listen to the wrong one use the other one.

Enter the tower to find a long pointless staircase. At the top of the staircase there's a lion. Either use the sword on the lion (guilt trip and no points) or use the emerald on the lion (points!). In the latter case the lion will turn into a naked old man, one whom you inexplicably can't use the youth potion, god damn it. After the man leaves, take the CAT HAIR.

Okay. So after the lion is gone, open the door and go in to find your woman. Touch the woman to futilely kiss her. Use the emerald on her and find that she needs to be in direct sunlight. Touch the dresser with the mirror on it to push it over to the woman. Then touch it again to tilt the mirror so that the sun is directly on her (can you believe this shit?). THEN use the damn emerald on her, and she'll wake up. Talk to her a few times and then touch her and you'll kiss her, and then Hagatha will appear. There are two ways to kill Hagatha.

Option 1: Use the net on Hagatha and push her out the window. Not very interesting, but it gets the job done.

Option 2: Use the cat hair on the youth potion, then use the youth potion on Hagatha. She'll drink it and turn into a young hairy woman. When she looks at herself in the mirror, touch the mirror again to shine the light in her eyes, sending her stumbling out the window.

That's it. You and hot girl return to Hagatha's cave. Touch the glass dome thing on the table for your last point. Then sit back and watch the wedding.