May 20, 2005

They Even Made Darth Vader Lame

Yes, this is loaded with spoilers. Stop reading now. Or better yet, read it, and don't see the movie.

I won't say much. I'll point out that it takes a very, very dedicated brand of hamfisted writing/directing to make Sam Jackson and Ewan McGregor look like bad actors. I don't blame George Lucas for Hayden's bad acting - the kid clearly has no talent. His excruciating timing, frozen facial expressions, and awkward gesturing are something right out of a high school play. The kind of play where there weren't enough boys auditioning so even the male leads are unwatchable. Only in this case, there were certainly plenty of boys to choose from, so it's a mystery how this block of wood ended up with one of the most sought-after movie roles of all time.

There are too many bad things about this movie to list, and I'm sure others are doing a more thorough and better job of it elsewhere on the blogosphere. But let me just say that the "Frankenstein's monster" scene, where Darth Vader, in his very first moments as more-machine-now-than-man, breaks free of his (apparently purposeless) wrist and ankle schackles, stumbles two steps forward, raises his fists and screames "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!", was like watching my first-born child being slowly stabbed in the eye with a shard of glass. A shard of glass with, like, poo all over it or something.

So I have a choice. I can either let Darth Vader - always my favorite movie character, ever since I was a wee one - be inexorably ruined in my mind by the cash-in prequels, or I can simply decide that Episodes I-III don't count, that fans of the original films still get to use their imaginations and come up with their own versions of the events leading up to the fall of the Republic and the rise of Darth Vader, and Sean was correct in his assessment that the prequels are nothing more than elaborate fanfiction that happened to be written by George Lucas.

My destiny lies with the latter.

Posted by hb at May 20, 2005 08:14 AM

Comments

And Padma needs to get a fucking hobby! Why should I care about a woman whose purpose in life is staring out windows and being pregnant? WASTE OF SPACE!!!!!!!!

Posted by: m on May 20, 2005 09:44 AM

well, I found the movie very enjoyable, even with the moments of bad acting.

The creation moment you mentioned is a highlight in bad-ness, but it makes me laugh now rather than cringe. I'm pretty sure that Vader doesn't actually raise his fists, which is why it looks so silly. I can demonstrate for you sometime, if you like.

The worst acting, I felt, came from the young Aunt Beru. I know she doesn't have lines, but that's not an excuse for awful acting.

Posted by: Lydia on May 20, 2005 10:32 AM

OMFG nerd!!! I can't believe you know the aunt's name! (I love you)

In the movie's defense, there were five (five!) lightsaber duels which had, like, eighteen lightsabers between them. That's got to be a record in lightsaber density.

Anyhow, Matt, is this really the first time you have been burned by a franchise? Doesn't everybody hate at least one of the James Bondses? I know that, when I used to read comic books, the characters' nature could change every time the book got a new creative staff (which was every year or two). Did Val Kilmer inexorably ruin Batman?

Of course not. And you don't have to discount the bad stuff. You just gotta roll with it. Remember that nothing can ever take away from you that moment when Vader decides to throw Palpatine into the reactor core, and just roll with it. Did you really not like the lava duel?

Posted by: Zack on May 20, 2005 02:50 PM

Sorry to hear you did enjoy the movie. It's never any fun when you have something to look forward to like that and it's a big disappointment.

Posted by: Paul on May 20, 2005 04:21 PM

he he he.. that was suppose to say sorry you DIDN'T enjoy the movie... Sorry

Posted by: paul on May 20, 2005 04:22 PM

Just to clarify, I went in with low expectations and was still disappointed. I expected bad acting and awkward dialogue. I didn't expect key plot points to be ensconsed in lameness.

One thing that M pointed out is that the conversation between Luke and Leia about her mother in Return of the Jedi is now much less meaningful. Originally Luke was asking about HIS mother, and Leia's comments about her mother's sadness were linked to the whole Anakin/Darth Vader tragedy. Now, when Leia talks about her mother she's talking about Jimmy Smits' more or less anonymous wife, who's sad for reasons we don't know, and has no connection at all to Luke.

Posted by: matt on May 21, 2005 03:57 PM

It also makes Obi Wan look like a dumbass when he says, that boy's our only hope, and Yoda says, no there is another. Yoda should have said, There's another you dumbass! You were there when they were born!
Actually, he would have said, another there is you dumbass. There you were, when they were born.

Also, Yoda could have told Luke to give a hi to his good buddy Chewbacca, but I guess we can forgive that.

Posted by: Chun on May 22, 2005 05:17 AM

Just to throw in my two cents since I finally saw the movie. I liked it, but my problem beside the whole NOOOOOO!! scene was Padma herself. I mean what happened to the strong, doesn't take no for an answer woman from the first two movies. That woman would have had her children, raised them and smacked Darth Vadar back to his senses.

I was also disturbed that she died right away, especially because of the whole scene in Return of the Jedi.

Posted by: nuala on May 24, 2005 08:20 PM

hey, jimmy smits is in this movie? hot damn, now i will see it.

Posted by: didofoot on May 25, 2005 08:32 AM

Apparently obi wan is just sexist?

Posted by: Jango Bob on May 29, 2005 10:44 PM

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