June 2004 Archives

I was surprised to receive the letter from the RNC referenced two posts ago, but after thinking about it I came to realize that the letter was probably part of a mass mailing timed to coincide with the arrival of the first summer job paychecks. For the record, I should state that while I've never registered as a Republican, I've never registered as a Democrat, either. I've always declined to register with a party, which is probably why the republicans are targeting me. We independents are going to be crucial in the outcome of the next election, especially independents in swing states like California.

In other news, Molly and I visited the Alameda County Fair today over to [sic] Pleasanton. Unlike the L.A. version we went to last year, we didn't get to see any llama obstacle courses. We did, however, see a terrified goat trying to escape from its pen, bleating in a most disturbing way. I don't know if it was just this particular goat, but the voice sounded distinctly human, as if a child had been turned into a goat and was desperately trying to alert people to the fact that he wasn't really a goat at all, and as he realized all he could do was make unintelligible goat noises he grew more and more frantic until he finally bit the other goat's testicles off. That last part didn't really happen, but sometimes when you're watching the Goat Kid Junior County Competition you have to let your imagination run around a little bit.

As always, Molly was drawn to the photo booths on the way out. I'm not jumping onto the CH beardwagon, I just decided to take a few days off from shaving, is all.

I started jogging two weeks ago. I never jogged before, apart from the always-embarrassing mile runs in P.E. I started jogging for two reasons. First, I'm supposed to be exercising for general health reasons, just like everybody else, and using the gym at work has proven to be inconvenient. More immediately, I've been training for an upcoming law firm hike in Seattle that will make my much-bragged-about Nevada Falls excursion look like a trip to the fridge. For some cream puffs. Hmm... Hang on a minute.

The punchline is that in the process of training for this hike I seem to have injured my knee, which will render me unable to go on said hike. My knees have always been of questionable constitution, tending as they do to hyperextend and pop out of place. Up until now, however, they've never really hurt, but now the left one really, reeeeeeeeally hurts whenever I use it to go up or down. I suppose I should see a doctor about it, but who's got time when there are two law firms to impress and only thirteen short weeks to do it in? No, until school starts up again I suppose I'll take an "If it hurts don't do it" approach to my kneeular health and try to avoid stairs and inclines. Good thing I live on an island.

Also, in case anyone was wondering what they pay lawyers for, I just finished a 27-page memo on the meaning of the word "to."

And if you thought this post was boring, check this shit out.

Mike Retzer
Treasurer
Republican National Committee
310 First Street, Southeast
Washington, D.C. 20003

Dear Mike,

Thank you for your letter dated "Wednesday morning." I must admit that I was somewhat disturbed by your implication that I've abandoned the Republican Party. Please rest assured that I have not, in any way, abandoned the Republican Party. Much in the same way I have not abandoned the state of Kansas, the Islamic faith, or womanhood, I have not abandoned anything of which I was never a part.

Because I have not abandoned the Republican Party, I am unmoved by your request that I "renew [my] membership with a contribution of $25, $38 or even $50 if [I] possibly can." You see, it would be impossible for me to "renew" my membership by sending you money, since my membership was never newed in the first place.

Rest assured that I am sensitive to your fears about a Democratic takeover of the United States government. I realize that, as you say, "the liberal Democrats will stop at nothing to regain control of the White House and Congress." But you underestimate the threat, Mike. There are plenty of moderate Democrats who'd like a piece of the pie as well.

I'm sorry I won't be able to support you in your money-getting activities. But do not despair, Mike. There are plenty of ther "grassroots leaders like [me]" to help you guys implement President Bush's agenda. I wish you the best of luck in fully enacting "President Bush's positive vision of a better, safer, more prosperous America." Let me know when he gets started on that.

Regards,
Robert H. Bork
Treasurer
Robert H. Bork National Committee

As promised, here are some poorly drawn highlights from last weekend's Yosemite trip (I clearly don't know a goddamn thing about drawing landscapes). Many are inspired by actual events, though, as I said, I didn't get to see any bears. But I did see my fair share of satellites, mule turds, bloodied oars, and schoolmarmy forest rangers. Hopefully I'll get some photographs of the trip soon and post the sexier ones on Eloise. In the meantime, you'll have to make do with Ellen's hiking outfit.

In all the excitement last week I left out one new blog: bigstupidjerkface, home of the inscrutable Zack "Fornacalypse" Fornaca. Maybe he'll post an account of the time he crashed the whole Internet by telling knock-knock jokes to chatbot.

First, two new comics: I'm Not Very Smart, relating the story of my recent tragic encounter with macaroni and cheese, and Bear Arms, relating something that I wish really happened over the weekend. Both borrow heavily from previous strips. More Yosemite humor is on the way.

In other news, a few more friends have jumped on the blogwagon:

Deep Frying and Ranting, home of former roommate and pinup girl Cynthia and her new deep fryer.

Mognet Central, which I don't know what that means, but it has words by Lydia on it.

Herbie the Love Blog, the evolutionary eventuality of the once and future KBWeb.

I've taken the opportunity to once again overhaul the links page. The blogpile has grown unwieldly and forced me to organize my friends into convenient categories. I'm still a little disturbed that it was so easy to do.

I just returned from a trip to Yosemite organized by the law firm I'm working for this summer. It was an opportunity to get drunk in front of partners, meet people from the firm's various offices and have the same conversation with all of them, and learn all about the sexual histories of fellow summer associates via ill-advised late-night beer-assisted conversations.

I'll have more to say about the trip in comic strip form shortly, but for now let me just relate the story of What I Did on Saturday. There were a number of hikes being offered, ranging from the ass-easy (Mirror Lake: 2-3 miles flat) to surely-you're-joking-Professor-Feinman (Half Dome). Being asthmatic, out of shape, and afraid of heights, I originally planned to do Mirror Lake, but ended up deciding on one of the moderate offerings: Vernal Falls via Mist Trail, described as a four-mile round-trip hike with a gentle 1,000-foot ascent. We got to the top of Vernal Falls, and it was pretty and everything, and then about two thirds of the group got ready to keep going up the mountain to Nevada Falls, adding another three miles of hiking and another 900 feet of highness. I had planned to head back down after Vernal Falls so I could go rafting in the afternoon, but the other Silicon Valley summer associates shamed me into sticking with the group and continuing on to Nevada Falls. The top of Nevada Falls was also very pretty (photos from the hike will also be available in the near future), but by the time I got back down to camp there was no rafting to be done, only a shower in a public shower stall that was exactly as disgusting as a public shower stall could possibly be.

AND, I didn't see any goddamn bears. Three other hikes saw bears, and a bear visited our campsite on the first night, and I didn't get to see any of them. Stupid bears.

While watching game one of the NBA finals this evening I saw a preview for the new M. Night Shamalama movie, The Village. It looks like the bastard child of Signs and The Blair Witch Project. The thought of a new movie by the acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense (still the only movie ever to give me trouble sleeping) brought to mind several burning questions that won't be answered until July 30th.

Will the "surprise" ending/flashback montage be really cool, as in The Sixth Sense, completely lame, as in Unbreakable, or not a surprise ending at all but made to look like one, as in Signs?

Will the director be making his usual cameo appearance as The Indian Guy? And if so, how will he account for the presence of Indian man in a nineteenth century Pennsylvania village?

Will the use of color be overtly symbolic? (The previews seem to suggest yes on this one).

Will Joaquin Phoenix once again be playing a character ten to fifteen years younger than he is?

Time will tell. In the meantime, let the bad color not be seen.