December 2004 Archives

Meli and I just returned from seven days in the OC, visual highlights of which are available on Eloise here. Visual and verbal highlights are available on Meli's blog.

I managed to avoid my usual Christmas viral and/or bacterial infection this year, though another family member was seriously ill over the holiday. But she's feeling much better now. I also saw the beach where they filmed the opening credits for Gilligan's Island, enjoyed a South Coast Repertory production of A Christmas Carol featuring Ted's dad from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and came to the conclusion that there's a special place in hell reserved for those who force other people to listen to their children sing during social gatherings.

All in all it was a lovely trip. I just wish we had remembered to turn off the cats.

I just came across this while compiling statutes for my Patent final:

35 U.S.C. � 105. Inventions in outer space

(a) Any invention made, used or sold in outer space on a space object or component thereof under the jurisdiction or control of the United States shall be considered to be made, used or sold within the United States for the purposes of this title, except with respect to any space object or component thereof that is specifically identified and otherwise provided for by an international agreement to which the United States is a party, or with respect to any space object or component thereof that is carried on the registry of a foreign state in accordance with the Convention on Registration of Objects Launched into Outer Space.

(b) Any invention made, used or sold in outer space on a space object or component thereof that is carried on the registry of a foreign state in accordance with the Convention on Registration of Objects Launched into Outer Space, shall be considered to be made, used or sold within the United States for the purposes of this title if specifically so agreed in an international agreement between the United States and the state of registry.

This shouldn't be too surprising, I guess, but I just think it's neat that there's a section of the U.S. Code titled "Inventions in Outer Space."

The following is the sad tale of a thwarted love affair between a young man and the electronic cocktail recipe book he held so dear.

One of my birthday presents this year was a Sharper Image gift card purchased at a Redlands-area Safeway. With this card I ordered two items from the Sharper Image website: a Deluxe Metal Corkscrew Gift Set with Vacuum Pump, Seal & Stopper and a Bar Master. I chose these gifts because I figured that the increased access to alcohol would help ease the sting of the fact that my family bought my birthday present at Safeway.

A few days later I received my UPS package from the Sharper Image, containing two boxes: one for the corkscrew set and the other for the Bar Master. I opened the corkscrew set first, and it was awesome. Before opening a single bottle of wine I knew I had made the right choice in bringing this into my home, a realization that has been reinforced numerous times as Meli and I have effortlessly opened bottles of wine, and kept the unused wine fresh with the vacuum-sealed stopper. But when I opened the Bar Master box, tragedy struck. For it was empty. It had complete packaging, instruction booklet, and registration card, but the most important ingredient had been left out. I had no little electronic recipe book, and I was sad.

So I called the Sharper Image customer service line and told them what was what, and they agreed to resend after apologizing for the inconvenience. A week passed and still no Bar Master so I called again. It turns out they had sent it by mail instead of UPS and I could expect it in another ten business days. Twelve business days later I called again and learned that the Bar Master had made it as far as the local mail hub, but no further. Like the Magic Cards I bought on eBay and the copy of Gigantic that Meli ordered for me from Overstock.com, the Bar Master had disappeared in the postal system en route to Alameda. More apologies followed and another Bar Master promised, this time via UPS.

And so, yesterday, upon returning from my Federal Courts final, I saw a little brown and yellow sticky on the front of my building that brought to me great joy. For the UPS man had tried and failed to deliver my Bar Master, and I would have it the next day. I rushed upstairs to have them hold it at the UPS depot (I've found that "before 10:30" means "any time between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. the next fucking day"). This morning I headed over to the UPS depot and claimed my package. I thought it seemed a little large for a single Bar Master, but I paid no mind, so excited was I at the knowledge that I would soon see a little LCD display telling me how to make a Sex on the Beach.

I returned home and opened the box. Inside the box were the following items:

--Several inflatable packing things
--A bunch of print ads for Sharper Image merchandise
--An Ionic Hair Wand 3.0
--Two Jolly Joker Jr.'s (or is it Jolly Jokers Jr.?)
--A packing slip addressed to Michelle Villa of Palm City, Florida.

I cannot begin to describe my despair. The forked telephonic tongue of the Sharper Image has now promised me yet another Bar Master, to arrive via expedited UPS shipping in two days. But how can I place my trust in them now? And what of the children in Florida, who are being deprived of the opportunity to torment their relatives with awful, electronically-generated jokes?

The thing is, I didn't even really want the stupid Bar Master. I just ordered it to get the discount on the corkscrew set. But after all this time I don't think I can live without one. The steady supply of easily opened wine has lessened the pain so far, but if I don't get my Bar Master soon I may have to hit the harder stuff, settling for sloppily proportioned cocktails.

I got my results from the MPRE yesterday. I correctly answered 35 out of 50 questions, giving me an adjusted score of 106 out of 150. The average is 100. Passing is 70. So there's that.

As I've complained about before, this test coupled with my excruciating semester of Legal Ethics (featuring the works of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche) are still not enough to convince the State of California that I'm unsleazy enough to pursue our state's finest calling. As we speak a very nice gentleman in Los Angeles is reviewing my Moral Character Application, the final ethical hurdle toward the practice of law. Hopefully he won't find out about my extramarital affairs, my illegal immigrant nanny, my ties to the mob, or the fact that I'd still be bald even if I didn't shave my head.