A Below-Average Moviegoer Has His Expectations Violated

Below is a chronicle of the internal monologue of a below-average moviegoer as he watches a movie comprised almost entirely of subtle yet overplayed cliches. The title of the movie is "American ________," and it's either about an American family that's anything but normal, a group of strangers who have nothing in common except the next 72 hours, or a hostile environment where mankind is the endangered species.

Early on in the film, a character makes a sarcastic, absurd comment about something, probably an ethnic group. Person #2, likely a member of said ethnic group, says "That's ridiculous."
Below-average moviegoer: Of course it is!
Person #2 then qualifies or corrects the absurd statement rather than denying it.
Below-average moviegoer: Oh man! That's so edgy!

Later, two people are having sex or otherwise engaging in some sort of erotic activity on a couch or bed.
Below-average moviegoer: All right!
A phone rings.
Below-average moviegoer: Uh oh!
One of the parties says "Let the machine get it."
Below-average moviegoer: Whew!
The answering machine message begins, delivering some important piece of news, and one party halts the action and springs into some other type of action.
Below-average moviegoer: Well, I was all excited about the sex, but now I'm even more excited about whatever's going to happen next!

Later, someone is standing in front of a medicine cabinet with the cabinet open.
Below-average moviegoer: Ah, the medicine cabinet. What could be safer? It's where people keep their important medications and toiletries. The character is just getting ready for work. Nothing to worry about here.
The character closes the medicine cabinet and sees something scary behind them in the mirror.
Below-average moviegoer: [Jumps, spills popcorn.]

Forty minutes into the movie, Christopher Walken shows up.
Below-average moviegoer: Hey! It's Christopher Walken!

As the action builds, a scene takes place in which two people are walking to a car. One person (probably the film's hero) is conveniently delayed, leaving them at a safe distance long enough for the other person to get in and start the car.
Below-average moviegoer: Sure, happens all the time. Nothing strange about two people walking to a car and one person standing exactly fifty feet away for a few seconds while the other person gets in and warms up the engine. Perfectly normal, every-day experience that does not portend danger of any kind.
When the person in the car starts the car, it explodes.
Below-average moviegoer: OMG!!!

Apropos of nothing, two hot girls kiss for less than five seconds.
Below-average moviegoer: I'm going buy this movie when it comes out on DVD.

"Of course I can do that. I know a great deal about computers, thereby enabling me to do absolutely anything."
Below-average moviegoer: That makes perfect sense. I wish I was a wise-cracking computer genius.

As we build toward the climax, it becomes clearer that the small, creepy child who's been showing up with increasing frequency holds the key to the mystery!
Below-average moviegoer: Wow, that kid is an amazing actor. S/He should win an Academy Award. Ha! Imagine that! A kid winning an Oscar! What a bold move that would be for the Academy! But worth it. This kid is amazingly talented. And pale.

Then, the black guy dies.
Below-average moviegoer: Oh no! And he was so close to reconciling things with his estranged wife a two adorable children.

And it was ________ all along!
Below-average moviegoer: Yeah, I totally called that.

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by hb published on September 2, 2006 11:38 AM.

I Meet the Mayor, and Only Slightly Come Off as a Horse's Ass was the previous entry in this blog.

Coffee Clutch is the next entry in this blog.

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