Can I Get A Witness?


Dear Friends,

It's time once again for some poor, unsuspecting civilians to help me out in my trial class. This time I need some witnesses. This will involve slightly more work than being a jury. Actually, quite a bit more work, but more fun.

To begin with, I need someone on the evening of Thursday, April 8th, to play Bobby. Bobby is a supervisor at a drycleaning company who is suspected of burning down the building for the insurance. I'm on the defense team, so I'll be arguing that Bobby didn't burn down no damn building. Bobby has a gambling problem and a prior arson conviction. He also just bought a new Cadillac. I'm pretty sure Bobby can be played by either a man or a woman.

Later, on April 29th, I may need some people to play witnesses in a criminal trial. The defendant is a man who shot his wife, and is claiming self defense. I'll be the prosecution, so I'll be arguing that he ain't had no self defense. I'm not sure who the witnesses will be.

What the job will entail: I'll give you some case materials and "prep" you (a few meetings during which I teach you how to be a good witness). You won't necessarily have to memorize anything, since you'll be able to have stuff with you on the witness stand. You'll be direct-examined (most likely by me, possibly by my partner, Jennie, who's very nice), and then cross-examined by one of our opponents. During cross examination you'll do me proud by being evasive and generally difficult. During direct examination you'll endear yourselves to the jury with your gypsy magic.

Time commitment: In addition to the time taken to review the materials and the prep time, your examination will take a total of about 30-40 minutes between the hours of 6:00 and 10:00 p.m. The location will be the federal courthouse in San Francisco, which Gene, Sean and Kristina can tell you is a very happening place.

Compensation: Since this involves more work than the jury selection exercise, I may be persuaded to throw in some cold hard cash in addition to the customary drinks and balls-viewing. Of course, I still haven't managed to arrange anything with my last batch of volunteers, but I hope you won't hold that against me.

I think that's it. Comment or e-mail me if interested, ya humps!


i should also mention that the dear, dear people who served on my jury can also help me out with this, and i'll double-up the compensation.

I am again interested in re-living my high school Mock Trial glory days. Be advised, I once won a one-drink bet as a Mock Trial witness, for successfully working the word "fabulous" into my testimony.

Ya whatever Matt. I gotta warn all you potential volunteers, this guy is a total flake. I helped him out and got neither drinks nor a coveted view of his balls. My advice, do this if the compensation of merely doing it is enough, otherwise, use the knowledge that he'll be out the evening of Thursday the 8th, and go break into his house and steal his doughnuts, and a beer if he's got one.

didn't you have half of a gin and tonic at that hotel room party he threw?

and then didn't he teabag you later?

7up, and yes.

HEY! i'll be damned if i let you cast aspersions on my dependability on my very own blog which you let me keep on your website for almost no money. i've made numerous good faith efforts to arrange something with you people but SOMEBODY had to go galavanting around the world to escape from the turkish mafia. when you come back with your new beard and sunglasses you'll have yourself an eyeful of balls.

I wish I was up there, because I would do it in a second! Free drinks and peep shows notwithstanding.
I just miss mock trial. I had such fun doing that. I even won some witness awards, though my private-catholic-all-girl-must-win-everything team was far too tight-assed to make cool bets about sneaking unusual words into the testimony. But hell, it was fun anyway.

God I'm such a dork.

anything for drinks...

if you're really stuck for someone, let me know, I can lend a hand. I watched a lot of mock trial as a high schooler.

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This page contains a single entry by hb published on March 31, 2004 5:14 PM.

Things I Have to Say to My Cats But Hope I Never Have to Say to My Children, Part I was the previous entry in this blog.

A Brief Free Speech Crisis is the next entry in this blog.

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