I just printed out my God damned Copyright & Entertainment Law Final. Now that my second year is over I can focus on my big summer project: Canceling my Citibank credit card.
As anyone who's ever tried to cancel a credit card knows, the task involves getting past a smarmy account representative who will get paid a handsome bonus if she convinces you to stay on. This beast is a formidable opponent, so I've been coming up with possible responses to the inevitable question: "Why do you want to cancel your Citibank Platinum Select Dividend Card today?"
"I'm joining a religious cult, and we consider credit cards to be a form of avarice. I'm sure that your identity theft detection and credit protection plans are very impressive, but we're talking about my salvation here."
"I'm being hunted by an evil robot from the future, so I can't use any credit cards or else he'll be able to find me in the telecomm grid. I really shouldn't even be using the phone. Oh, shit. Here he comes! Cancel the damn card! Do it now!"
"I only have room in my wallet for one credit card, and my other card vibrates."
"I'd be happy to discuss all the reasons why Citibank Platinum Select Dividend should be my choice in consumer credit. How about dinner tonight? Where do you live?"
In response to each of her pitches, say: "Really? That sounds great. Cancel the card right away."
you'll have to order four more cards and then use all those options when cancelling.
"I'm cancelling my card because all the promises of your stupid bank have been nothing but lies. The plan I was signed up for doesn't even exist. And since your company has repeatedly lied to me, I can't very well believe you when you make promises to keep me on, now can I?"
(I used something kind of like this when I broke the bad news to MCI, many years ago. I figure credit cards can't be too different from telephone service.)