Hey! The Supreme Court decided some crap today.
In Morse v. Frederick, the celebrated "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" case, the Court decided that the First Amendment doesn't protect the rights of public school students to advocate illegal drug use. Justice Thomas, concurring in the judgment, argued that the First Amendment couldn't possibly apply in this context because the word "bong" didn't exist in 1789.
In Federal Election Commission v. Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc., the Court held that the First Amendment prevents Congress from regulating "issue ads," as opposed to ads that unambiguously refer to a particular candidate. This means that the 2008 election cycle will be dominated entirely by MoveOn.swiftboats.org/NRA/NOW/NWA/OMGWTFBBQ. The dissenters objected on the grounds that the majority opinion didn't add enough confusion to the all-to-straightforward world of campaign finance law.
In Hein v. Freedom From Religion Foundation, Inc., the Court once again denied taxpayer standing without officially overruling Flast v. Cohen. Desperate to find a way to distinguish Flast, the majority held that the standing conferred in that case applies only to cases filed on the third Thursday of the month. Justice Thomas, again concurring in the judgment, advocates doing away with federal courts altogether.
In National Association of Home Builders v. Defenders of Wildlife, the Court ordered the parties to set aside their differences and start building fortified homes for wildlife. Justice Scalia, dissenting, argued that if wildlife needed protection from humans God wouldn't have given them all those fangs and claws. Scalia demonstrated his point by wrestling a grizzly bear, winning the match by decision.
I can say with almost 70% confidence that there is no 527 group called "Oh My God What the Fuck Barbeque."
Dear Fathers of Our New Country:
I have at last Invented a Means whereby we may Smoke of the Hempen Weed which, know you all, we do Totally Grow. I call this device a Bong, for the Sound it makes when Smacked against Jefferson's head.
Sincerely,
Ben F.
Can we make MMSCRU a recurring feature? It's my favorite.
Props to didofoot for making my coworkers wonder why I laugh all alone in my little room here.
I think there are only one or two decision days left this term, but I'll be on the ball until the court recesses. We still have the case where Chief Justice Roberts is going to overturn Brown v. Board of Education.
(No, really.)
Who needs SCOTUSBlog when I have you? This is much better. Thanks!