Okay, after finishing off the last of the non-cherry donuts I'm ready to come on get happy.
I've spent a great deal of time this past year thinking up ways to exact revenge on the schools that rejected me in the Spring. I'm not talking about rats or stink bombs or fountains full of sewage here, I'm talking about undermining the academic and professional reputations of these schools. I am, basically, talking about the U.S. Fucking News and their intolerable rankings.
Unfortunately most of my plans have entailed me having a great deal of money and a law school of my own. All I could think to do was somehow attract professors away from the top schools, thereby weakening the respective academic strengths and reputations of the schools. Needless to say this plan didn't afford me much pleasure as I stared helplessly at the darkened ceiling every night fantasizing about admissions officers curled up and crying in their offices.
But all that changed today. With the new scandal at Boalt Hall, I realized that I've been approaching it from the exact wrong angle. Why attract professors away from law schools when I can push them out from the inside? All I need is a small army of attractive women to gain admission into high-end law schools, engage in brief, steamy affairs with professors, and then blackmail them into resigning in disgrace! Disgrace!
For what, indeed, is a Dean but a professor with a nicer suit? No one will be immune to the charms of my sexual army. I will employ agents of all shapes, sizes, and races. I will have thin women, heavy women, and medium women. White women, Black women, and China women. Oh, and gays! I'll have gays, too! No one will be safe!
And it'll pay for itself! A small, rotating band of sexual predatees will hit one school at a time, and who do you think will represent them in their sexual harassment suits? Why, a graduate from a school with a 92% bar passage rate, that's who! The money from the settlements from one school will fund the downfall of the next! Genius! Genius, I say!
Think of it. Just think of it! Dozens of law schools being utter destroyed just because a single guy bubbled in the wrong letter on his LSAT four or five too many times! Oh, the bitterness! Oh, the pettiness! Oh... Oh, the POWER!!!
Mwa ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha. MWA HA. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I opened the pages of the Daily Cal yesterday I could not be more overjoyed at the sexual misconduct charges brought against the dean of the Bolt School of Law. Not because I or anyone I know has had any problems with Bolt sexual harassment, but rather because I am in charge of the ASUC elections this year and the Dean refused to allow us the Ethernet access necessary to staffing a poll at that site. Surely I thought, divine providence was on my side and I thanked that nameless Bolt School of Law Co-ed whose shapely, attractive butt, saved mine. Thank you.
Watch yourself as Elections Chair, Sciortino. Soon you may find yourself wandering around half-shaven and shoeless, muttering about Hawaii under your breath, and allowing your pint-sized Filpino girlfriend to cart your testicles around in her purse. Just a word of warning.
that soon would be now. you screwed up the elections bad, man.
Yeah, Matt, way to go.