United States Supreme Court
One First Street NE
Washington, DC 20543
Dear Justice Scalia:
I hereby challenge you to a pie eating contest to be conducted at the time and place of your choosing. Although you may consider this to be a formal challenge, I address you with the utmost respect, as your position commands, and by no means am I "calling you out." I merely wish to settle, once and for all, the question of which one of us is more skilled at eating pies. Whole pies.
Furthermore, I must respectfully request that pecan and other nutted pies be banned from the competition, as this is to be an objective measure of pie-eating abilities rather than a "pie-eating battle to the death."
I eagerly await your response. Please be further advised that the longer the delay, the greater time you afford me to hone my pie-eating skills.