I'd like to take this opportunity to make an important announcement regarding my career, my personal life, and the lives of my family and pets. It is with a heavy heart, and after much personal reflection, that I bring you this news.
I will not be running for President in 2008.
I came to this decision after celebrating my father's 81st birthday and taking my oldest daughter, Madison, on a college tour. I know these moments are never going to come again, but this weekend made clear what I'd been thinking about for many weeks -- that while politically this appears to be the right time for me to take the plunge, at this point I want to have a real life.
The fact is, while I know that I could lead this country effectively as President, there are certain aspects of life as a private citizen than I am unwilling to give up. I'd like to be able to eat dinner with my family most nights. I enjoy rassling with my cats without having to explain to foreign dignitaries why the hand they just shook is covered with scratches and antiseptic. I want to be able to visit a gentleman's club every now and then without the White House Press Corps crawling up my ass about it.
And so, I won't be running for President in 2008. I also won't be running for the Senate or the House of Representatives any time soon. There are a number of state and local offices which I will not seek. I have decided not to respond to that ad I saw for a new assistant manager at Applebee's, and there are probably at least forty or fifty law firms at which I will not seek employment next Fall.
I realize this is likely disappointing to many of you. And frankly, I don't care. You'll just have to find some other stooge to take charge of the Executive Branch in 2009.