Important Announcement

Dear Friends,

I'd like to take this opportunity to make an important announcement regarding my career, my personal life, and the lives of my family and pets. It is with a heavy heart, and after much personal reflection, that I bring you this news.

I will not be running for President in 2008.

I came to this decision after celebrating my father's 81st birthday and taking my oldest daughter, Madison, on a college tour. I know these moments are never going to come again, but this weekend made clear what I'd been thinking about for many weeks -- that while politically this appears to be the right time for me to take the plunge, at this point I want to have a real life.

The fact is, while I know that I could lead this country effectively as President, there are certain aspects of life as a private citizen than I am unwilling to give up. I'd like to be able to eat dinner with my family most nights. I enjoy rassling with my cats without having to explain to foreign dignitaries why the hand they just shook is covered with scratches and antiseptic. I want to be able to visit a gentleman's club every now and then without the White House Press Corps crawling up my ass about it.

And so, I won't be running for President in 2008. I also won't be running for the Senate or the House of Representatives any time soon. There are a number of state and local offices which I will not seek. I have decided not to respond to that ad I saw for a new assistant manager at Applebee's, and there are probably at least forty or fifty law firms at which I will not seek employment next Fall.

I realize this is likely disappointing to many of you. And frankly, I don't care. You'll just have to find some other stooge to take charge of the Executive Branch in 2009.