Reese Witherspoon Is Not Attractive


The overwhelming effluvia of promotions about the fact that Legally Blonde is being shown like nine times a week for two months on TBS has compelled me at last to take my message to the People. A great deal of humanity, including many of those in charge of the entertainment industry, appear to be laboring under the delusion that Reese Witherspoon belongs anywhere near a movie screen or television set, let alone actually on/in one. And so, in the tradition of my Claritin Guide, I've prepared the following instructional diagram that will help you, the People, break free of this mind infection.

You're welcome.


I like Reese Witherspoon. Notwithstanding "Legally Blonde" and it's somehow-even-more-terrible sequel, I tend to think of her in "Man in the Moon," "Election," and "American Psycho," which makes it easier for me to still like her. She's actually not a stupid person and although she's not particularly hot, she's definitely not UGLY (at least with make-up). Lastly, she's married to Ryan Phillippe, which has to at least be extrinsic evidence of her being moderately attractive.

also 'a far off place' is one of my favorite childhood movies that she is in and in 'freeway' she is excellent. also, her hair is beautiful. you're reaching on that one, matt. i might grant you the weirdness of her forehead and chin, but she has gorgeous hair and eyes. and a really adorable baby with phillippe named ava.

I tend to think of her principally in terms of "Legally Blonde," a movie which I haven't seen. But much in the same way that I can tell a piece of shit will taste bad by smelling it, I can tell that Legally Blonde is terrible simply from the previews. Also, "Blonde" is a noun. The movie should be called "Legally Blond."

I've also seen her in "Election," which I really didn't like, and "Freeway," which was enjoyable despite her. She also reminds me a lot of my wacko college roommate, so I've got that going on.

Where were you told that blonde is a noun and blond is the adjective? I was told the difference between the two was that blonde was feminine and blond was masculine, and now I'm all screwed up.

I learned it in high school. It's probably one of those formalistic things that has been swallowed by the sloppification of the English language.

It's comforting to know that Matt, the emotionally stable and potentially financially successful future lawyer, is not above procrastination, creating excessively time-consuming blog posts, and good ol'-fashioned meanness. Now I don't feel so bad about myself anymore!

I admit the "blonde" is out of place, but it's just an alternative spelling when the noun it's describing is feminine that comes from the French rule where (most) adjectives get an "e" when describing a feminine object. I think it's equivalent to "theatre" or when people pronounce common words of French origin with a ridiculous french accent, like "croissant." I hate that.

She's still hotter than Clare Danes.

okay, now you can hate on Reese but Sean don't hate on Claire Danes! Claire Danes is just as pretty as Reese and ten times more talented, so she wins.

I understand the dislike of Reese but i am somewhat suprised by the level of hate...suprised but still impressed. :)

She definitely brings to mind the picture of a yappy little dog that you want to kick because it won't shut up.

Claire has more talent in her left tit (which is quite small by the way) than in the whole of Reese's body. Reese has her function as a twitty little bubble-gum commercial actress but doesn't really have the chops to sink her teeth into something substantial. Prime example being the awful little shit bomb called Vanity Fair.

Clare Danes was great on "My So-Called Life". That still doesn't make her pretty.

Oddly, Reese Witherspoon was hailed as the belle of indie film (for her work in "Freeway" in a 1996 issue of Mondo 2k. Goes to show what a difference a decade can make.

Oddly, Reese Witherspoon was hailed as the belle of indie film (for her work in "Freeway") in a 1996 issue of Mondo 2k. Goes to show what a difference a decade can make.


I think it's harsh to judge a person based on a character they play, even if they go for the sequel. I've seen interviews with Reese and I really do think she's just ACTING like a ditz in the "Legally Blonde" films...

yeah, she's not bad, she's just drawn that way.

claire danes is pretty in the "pretty enough to talk to at a party" sense, i think.

Reese is pretty in a "plastic-doll-chatty-cathy-children-of-the-corn" kind of way whereas Claire is pretty in a "looks-like-an-actual-person" kind of way.

Oh yeah, I really just mean, "not pretty compared to actors and actresses that are pretty as a profession". There's a baseline of attractiveness that's kind of assumed, just like there's a baseline of talent. I think just about anyone working in Hollywood is "talented enough to star in the high school play".

I don't think Witherspoon's popularity comes from her attractiveness, or lack thereof - she doesn't play "hot girl" parts, except maybe "Freeway" or "Twilight". So, I would submit that Matt's above critique is misguided, as Witherspoon's presence on TV screens stems more from her popularity among teenage girls and her acumen in choosing roles, rather than her hot/notness.

I think there are at least a handful of movies that were marketed in part based on Reese's non-existent hotness. The poster for Legally Blonde is a total cheesecake shot (though that body is clearly either airbrushed or someone else's). And the ads made a great deal of hay out of the scenes where she's walking around dressed as a Playboy bunny. She was also cast as the "Mary Ann ugly" girl in Cruel Intentions, meaning "actually hot."

And yes, we're judging by Hollywood standards here. I'm not saying I'd kick her out of bed.

well thank god for that :)

You might not kick her out of bed, but I think Meli would.

Yeah, I'm not into the blondes.

i guess i should have said "pretty enough for ME to talk to at a party," which is a higher bar since at parties i usually just try to stay out of everyone's way for the thirty-two seconds i'm there.

I would do her!

Hmmm, so an e at the end is feminine huh? You hear that Paule?


your right she is soooo damn ugly i mean compare her with catherine zeta jones or hillary duff youll see what i mean

Aww, now are we feeling jealous because we spend so much time on our asses in front of a computer to make diagrams insulting pretty women and therefore we're not even a fraction as beautiful as Reese? Wow. Gee. Hobbies, anyone?

If all you do with your free time is completely hack at someone as beautiful and talented as Witherspoon, then someone needs to haul themselves to the gym. This is the most childish thing I've ever seen. What are you, five?

Whoever said that Reese Witherspoon was anywhere near ugly in any movie and in any way at all is a complete faggot and is just wallowing in self pity because God didn't make you good looking obviously WHAT-SO-EVER. I actually feel bad for you that you took the time to criticize a GORGEOUS human being. I think it is completely and udderly sad that you have so much time on your hands. you are an idiot. We may seem just as pathetic as you writing into this website but we love her and needed some fashion tips. So, when we came across this picture we were blown away at your stupidity!!!!!!!!!! Have a AWFUL day. GOOD BYE.

It's "utterly," not "udderly." I know it only makes a difference in speech if you're using British pronunciation but it matters to me.

Matt, now you're offending the cows who wrote that! Shame on you!

Claire Danes is a man baby!

hilary duff is like so ugly emily browning is like so prettier

how can you say Reese Witherspoon in ugly she is georgeous any one who says otherwise is probably a pimpily faced loser who can't get a date and is jelous of anyone who is more sucsseful, pretter and smarter than they are.

excuse me. what the hell are you talking about?
lets start by "brain with no talent in it" golden globes are not a present and people who knows vote there. "grating munchkin voice" she did her own vocals in walk the line and was excellent, not only for me. "stupid hair" can the hair be stupid? how is a smart hair for you?. "no boobs!" she dated mark wahlberg and he said the first thing he saw in ladies is that... and you think she doesn't have? please, open you eyes. "Reese Witherspoon is not attractive" isnt she married to hottie Ryan Phillippe? you should have added "for me"
sorry you're so wrong. the other descriptions are just more lies. dont be so jealous, it isnt good for anyone.

You sad, pathetic excuses of morons, you are insulting, clueless immature losers! You must have the most ENORMOUS sticks up your arses! We are so glad that that people have seen this, and you have given them the chance to tell you w*n*e*s you are. Maybe the reason you sent this crap is because you are so stupid you think people can actually CHOOSE what they look like. People like Angelina Jolie pay to have their faces re-modelled by equally dumb people into plastic, AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING PEOPLE THAT ,MAY NOT BE BLESSED WITH STUNNING LOOKS, TO CHANGE THAT! morons!

whoever wrote this is stupid and doesn't know what their talking about. before you say anything bad about someone else beautiful like her you should send me a picture of you and im sure i could come up with 1,000 things that are much worse on your face.

Totally agree with Jelly, fullstop.

Reese is an amazing actress.. i love her since Cruel intentions. Fav movie

I agree with jelly! Reese witherspoon is very pretty. Who ever said she was unattractive is retarded.She may have some bad points but they probably aren't badder then urs. Oh and jelly u rock!!

u r sooo wrong and u know nothing about beeing attractive cuz reese witherspoon is the hottest and the most attractive girl in the whole world

reeses pieces are the best candy whoever says they are not is the stupid and so is your face candy is stupider even

jelly is teh best on toast jam tastes bad even with peenut butter or peanut butter candy even

I think this site is offencive and distroted. Would you like someone to do this to you? I find she is a wonderful actress its not like someone like you could do any better. If you have an opinion keep it to yourself. What you did here is make something childish...Thank you for showing the rest of the world what a child/idiot you are.

how dare you insult reese witherpoon. i bet she's A LOT prettier than YOU and always will be. You just can't stand the fact that you're ugly so you take it out on someone who is way more beautiful than you. You need to get a LIFE and stop insulting truly gorgeous people, even if you aren't one.

Is someone linking this? Where are you people coming from?

yeah, the internet hates you today. it's a fickle mistress.

Strange that random plebians from the 'net feel the pressing need to defend millionaires that they don't even know.

how dare u insult millionares u dont even know? how would u like it someone made a site distroting the middle class and there appearance? millionares work hard for their money. what do u do? act like a child and make insluting blog posts? i bet u are jelous of the millionaires, doctor v and i think something else. that u are the plebian. not millionaires and not reese, who is a millionaire because she is beatyiful and desrves to be while u are probably just ugly and just jelous.

Insluting blog posts! I love it!

A new genre of wishful blogging has just been born.

All of you should keep your opinions to yourself. Especially you, Jebediah, you're so childish.

in gnome chompskies manufacturing consent they tlak about how ugly peple are alwys trying to insult rese witherspon. that peple is u. i didnt red the book but i saw part of the documentry once time.

Well, we know one of two things: either Reese Witherspoon is defending herself on your blog under an assumed name but has revelaed that she is functionally illiterate, or her fans are functionally illiterate. Either is fine.

She is cute, but she is not "movie pretty" (i.e. enough to justify making that kind of money)

ps - I hope her face gets mangled in a train accident while signing autographs for her fat, chocolate binging, lonely Claire. Remember, as The Breakfast Club taught us, "Claire is a fat girls name." Game, set, match.

Pffff She's a very good actress

LMAO whoever made this has no life. Your such a loser and probably a fatass.

Reese is a ugly unnatractive piece of shit. she is non talented with no acting skills. she should have been shot for making legally blond. If i catch that golden/blond bimbo in my city...I would shoot her with a tranquilizer dart and throw her in a legally blond river. Please dont let her win the oscar

reese has no talent no skills whatsoever. she sucks in everything. please shoot her

I have to say when legally blond came out . i was floored . how could such a horrible movie come out and offend so many people. her double chin amazes me also. get her ugly ass off the screen

I'd tap that sweet tang.

You all must be faggots.

HAHA! Reese just bagged the Academy Award, you fool. I think she is lovely and talented and so does the rest of the world that isn't bitter.

Can we please close down comments on this thread. It's getting kind of tiresome. Clearly it's linked to from some kind of Reese Witherspoon supersite so I doubt it's ever going to stop.

Actually, I think people are finding it through Google, at least according to one source.

this page just sucks dude LOL
reese is a great actress
and i totally loved legally blonde it was a funny movie not an oscar nominee or anything like that..
and you couldn't dislike her in Walk The Line
the movie is great
her acting is great
her singing is great
what's not to like???

On further reflection I think docta v is right. I'm closing comments on this thread. If any more twelve-year-old girls want to call me a "fat looser[sic]," please e-mail me directly.

In the meantime I'll point out that the easiest way to win an Oscar is to play either (1) a real person, or (2) a retard, and Reese isn't the first talentless gargoyle to pull this off.

Other Blogs

Law-Type Blogs

Other Webcomics

Log Archives

eXTReMe Tracker

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by hb published on March 19, 2005 8:26 PM.

A Guide to Buying Claritin for People without OCD was the previous entry in this blog.

My First Animated Gif is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Powered by Movable Type 5.04