A Guide to Buying Claritin for People without OCD


If you're like me, you live in an apartment full of things that make your head fill with snot on a daily basis, that make your eyes water like you're in the front row at an onion chopping contest, and that generally make you want to drill a hole in your face to relieve the constant throbbing pressure from your sinuses. Also, if you're like me, you're exceptionally stupid, and repeatedly pay a great deal of money for completely ineffective allergy drugs like Claritin. Perhaps, being as you are like me, you've become frustrated at the needless level of complexity involved in purchasing Claritin. This complexity stems from the facts that (1) Claritin comes in like seven hundred different permutations and (2) every permutation of Claritin has almost the exact same packaging.

Before we move on to the instructions for purchasing Claritin, let's review how sensible manufacturers package their products. Assume, if you will, that we have a company that makes and sells cookies. Unlike the makers of Claritin, who sell their products in quantities of every multiple of 5 between 5 and 100, our hypothetical cookie company sells their products in only three sizes. In order to assist the purchaser in choosing the right size, our cookie company would likely package each size in noticeably different-sized packages, like so:

In addition, if our cookie company were to sell two different varieties of cookies (unlike Claritin, which comes in at least forty varieties), they might assist the purchaser in identifying their desired variety by significant differences in packaging appearance, like so:

The makers of Claritin do neither of these things. Accordingly, when you buy Claritin, you need to consciously ask yourself each of the questions in this diagram, and read the entire box carefully to find the answers:

I will now address the importance of each question in turn.

(1) How the fuck long does it last?
Claritin comes in a 12-hour variety as well as a 24-hour variety. Since both varieties actually provide zero hours of relief, this consideration is only important if you like taking pills twice a day instead of once.

(2) What does it claim to treat?
Claritin comes in an allergy-only variety as well as an allergy/decongestant variety. While the allergy-only variety only fails to treat allergies, the allergy/decongestant version fails to treat both allergies and congestion. You should buy the allergy/decongestant kind because it will encourage the makers of Sudafed to bring an antitrust action against the makers of Claritin.

(3) What kind of goddamn pills?
You can either get Claritin in needlessly enormous pills that are really hard to swallow, or "readitabs" that slightly dissolve in your mouth and leave a chalky, vaguely minty residue all over your tongue. Pick whichever one sounds less terrible to you.

(4) How the fuck many pills are there?
As mentioned above, you can get Claritin in basically any multiple of five. Because Claritin takes seven days to do anything at all and loses all effectiveness immediately if you miss a single dose, you should buy as many pills at a time as possible. Oddly enough, every quantity of Claritin costs exactly thirty dollars.

In conclusion, I hate Claritin, and every time I swallow my ears pop.


Three words: Houses For Humans!

i totally hear you on the 12 hour and 24 hour claritin relief. HOWEVER, i used to be able to find 4-6 hour claritin and it fucking worked like a charm immediately. so if you ever see that brand, buy it.

Sean: I don't get it.

Are those the totally hypoallergenic houses?

I was assuming that your cats are what makes your head fill up with snot, though that may have been incorrect.

i understood what you meant, sean. though also in retaliation i felt that the house should show you the door and give you a good kick in the ass. hmph.

though also, in my house, mostly what makes me allergic is mold and certainly not cats at all.

Give your landlord hell, Michele. Inhaled mold is not a human's best friend.

it's not so bad this current house. langlow, (where i lived my freshman year of college), on the other hand, was hellishly moldy in the basement (where erica and i lived like trolls. TROLLLLLLLLLLLLS.

Right, so you've already used up your lifetime allowance of embedded mold spores per lung. If you keep accumulating new ones you'll be assessed a surcharge on each one over quota.

Hey Matt- If your ever up to trying to drill a hole into your face, let me know. I have always wanted to do that to someone. Actually, once a year I get those feelings because of allergy problems and I always picture extracting everything in there with a syringe. At least it would take my mind off the allergies I always figured.

You should also have some sort a melee between Ted and Claudio that ends with one of them getting drilled in the face. I don't believe I have seen that yet in your strip.

Costco. Generic Claritin. $12 for 300. Now I can afford to take 4 Claritin per day to avoid the snot and drill.

Nate's on the right track, but let's kick it up a notch, shall we? Kirkland Signature Daytime Allergy/Sinus Relief. 2 pills (4 MAX, and only when I'm shoving freshly cut grass and/or dander up my nostrils) lasts me an entire day.

Like all things in life, I would like to see some penetration. It's no fun unless your inserting the drill over and over again. So instead lets change that last cell to the second cell and have some blood in the third cell! Claudio can use some air anyways.

That reminds me of the time when we were reading editor comments for someone's soon to be published manuscript for a romance novel and one of the notes said "this scene needs penetration". Perhaps this means Paul can be a Romance novel editor.

Holohan, you forgot to mention that Claritin, while failing entirely to treat your allergies, actually does accomplish other things as well. For example, I took Claritin-Derange 3 to 4 hours before getting in a car, because I had it on good authority that it does not impair your ability to drive in a straight line. However, please note that if your trip requires you to drive in anything other than a straight line (like, if the freeway curves, or you need to change lanes, or you need to exit the freeway because you can no longer drive), then you're completely fucked and will have to stop in San Jose and sleep it off at your ex's house.
Claritin brings people together, if by "together" you mean that one is sleeping twitchily on the floor.

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This page contains a single entry by hb published on March 16, 2005 7:46 PM.

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