If you're like me, you live in an apartment full of things that make your head fill with snot on a daily basis, that make your eyes water like you're in the front row at an onion chopping contest, and that generally make you want to drill a hole in your face to relieve the constant throbbing pressure from your sinuses. Also, if you're like me, you're exceptionally stupid, and repeatedly pay a great deal of money for completely ineffective allergy drugs like Claritin. Perhaps, being as you are like me, you've become frustrated at the needless level of complexity involved in purchasing Claritin. This complexity stems from the facts that (1) Claritin comes in like seven hundred different permutations and (2) every permutation of Claritin has almost the exact same packaging.
Before we move on to the instructions for purchasing Claritin, let's review how sensible manufacturers package their products. Assume, if you will, that we have a company that makes and sells cookies. Unlike the makers of Claritin, who sell their products in quantities of every multiple of 5 between 5 and 100, our hypothetical cookie company sells their products in only three sizes. In order to assist the purchaser in choosing the right size, our cookie company would likely package each size in noticeably different-sized packages, like so:
In addition, if our cookie company were to sell two different varieties of cookies (unlike Claritin, which comes in at least forty varieties), they might assist the purchaser in identifying their desired variety by significant differences in packaging appearance, like so:
The makers of Claritin do neither of these things. Accordingly, when you buy Claritin, you need to consciously ask yourself each of the questions in this diagram, and read the entire box carefully to find the answers:
I will now address the importance of each question in turn.
(1) How the fuck long does it last?
Claritin comes in a 12-hour variety as well as a 24-hour variety. Since both varieties actually provide zero hours of relief, this consideration is only important if you like taking pills twice a day instead of once.
(2) What does it claim to treat?
Claritin comes in an allergy-only variety as well as an allergy/decongestant variety. While the allergy-only variety only fails to treat allergies, the allergy/decongestant version fails to treat both allergies and congestion. You should buy the allergy/decongestant kind because it will encourage the makers of Sudafed to bring an antitrust action against the makers of Claritin.
(3) What kind of goddamn pills?
You can either get Claritin in needlessly enormous pills that are really hard to swallow, or "readitabs" that slightly dissolve in your mouth and leave a chalky, vaguely minty residue all over your tongue. Pick whichever one sounds less terrible to you.
(4) How the fuck many pills are there?
As mentioned above, you can get Claritin in basically any multiple of five. Because Claritin takes seven days to do anything at all and loses all effectiveness immediately if you miss a single dose, you should buy as many pills at a time as possible. Oddly enough, every quantity of Claritin costs exactly thirty dollars.
In conclusion, I hate Claritin, and every time I swallow my ears pop.