Top 5 Reasons I Shouldn't be a Pirate


Just about everyone I know with a blog is blogging about Pirates of the Carribean, so in characteristic fashion I'll turn the conversation toward myself and list a few reasons why it's a bad idea for me to be a pirate. Special thanks to the attorneys and interns I just lunched with for helping me brainstorm.

1. I don't like rum. In fact, I hate rum. It's the only alcoholic beverage that I've encountered that I really can't stand. I'm not counting things like Kalua and Bailey's, which I also don't like. Creamy alcoholic liquids aren't beverages, they're abominations.

2. I don't like sea food. Pirates are often depicted messily devouring turkey legs and ham hocks, but I imagine they eat mainly fish, which wouldn't do for me. I may or may not be allergic to fish, and I don't care enough to find out.

3. I burn easily. Ever seen an Irish pirate? Yeah, that's what I thought.

4. I find consensual sex to be more satisfying than the alternative. Judge me if you must.

5. I'm not Chinese. Apparently most pirates these days hang out in the South China Sea, and a roundeye like me would stand out like a redhead in Asia. I'm not sure if the South China Sea is a real sea. If not the pirates probably aren't real, either.


Aww... no more playing "The Pirate and the Captain's Daughter?" What will we do on Friday nights, then?

Matt used to ALWAYS order vanilla when we went to 31 flavors....

hey, now. you yourself turned me on to daquiri ice, jmv. god knows how, but you did.

OH man Daquiri Ice was soo good... Plus If Matt won't play the priate and the captains daughter feel free to call me I got a kick ass birthday suit that doubles as a drunken pirate suit.

paul, i'll only suffer your advances at my woman for so long. you've been more than adequately warned. next time the bat comes out. and i mean the kind that flies and squeaks.

Blasted that Chun.. He's the one who told you about my only weakness for BATS!!!! Remind me to kill him for that or at least give it to him you know where because it's now legal.

See, this is what happens when Paul is single. He goes around leaving a trail of lewd comments on people blogs. SOME of us are trying to build a reader-base here, your constant threats of sodomy are unwelcome! UNWELCOME I tell you!

"Only" weakness? How about your weakness of strippers, gambling, and sharks?

Now you're in for it, just revealed all of Paul's weaknesses! Again!

so it seems that i need to get a stripper to ride a shark to paul's house and challenge him to a game of poker. with a bat.

i'm on it!

I think Paul's poker playing skills might suffer more if it were the bat riding the shark to Paul's house to challenge him to a game of poker with a stripper.

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This page contains a single entry by hb published on July 16, 2003 2:38 PM.

Lies, I Tell You, Filthy, Wretched Lies was the previous entry in this blog.

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