My Crazy-Ass Family's Crazy-Ass Dog


Years ago, when I was a senior in high school, my family rescued a German Shepherd from the streets. It was about one year old, and clearly malnourished and mistreated. And so, my dad and my brother took the dog into our home in order to give it a new life. My brother named the dog "Rolex." I'm allergic to dogs.

Sadly, the trouble began with Rolex right away. Apparently a short life of abuse had rendered him psychotic. Every human (except, oddly, my dad and my brother) was an enemy. Everyone Rolex saw was greeted with loud, vicious barking and violent, spasmotic movements. Rolex had an insatiable bloodthirst. He wanted to exact revenge on all of humankind for whatever unspeakable and unknowable horrors he faced as a puppy. Once, Rolex bit me on my butt.

The family tried different things. Numerous dog trainers and obedience schools. One trainer assured my dad that Rolex was a lost cause, that he could never be truly tamed. My dad found another trainer. My dad even almost bought a choke chain. He held it in his hands at the pet store for a short while but couldn't bring himself do buy it. Rolex probably would have eaten through the choke chain and then killed someone.*

When I would come home from college, law school, or what-have-you, Rolex would be there, behind a fence or enclosed in some sort of large chainlink thing, barking at me, convulsing hither and yon, staring at me with his menacing eyes. He treated Meli the same way when she started coming around. Meli is convinced that Rolex wants to eat her.

I'm sure Rolex could lead a very happy life in some sort of government work, perhaps terrifying prisoners at Guantanamo. But he's just not cut out for life as a family dog. He likes to chase rabbits. Maybe he could live in the Outback of Australier.

Recently, my brother posted this photo to his MySpace. The caption he gave it was "family pic gone bad." I think this image accurately sums up what Rolex means to me and my family.

* I don't advocate choke chains or any other cruelty to animals. I'm glad my dad didn't get the choke chain. I also acknowledge that Rolex's behavior isn't his fault. But that doesn't decrease the extent to which I don't want to get mauled by him.


I advocate the choke chain for Rolex. He's scary and he wants to eat me. I hate going in and out of the car at your dad's house because I feel like I'm under attack and that at any moment he's going to jump that chain link pen and release my bodily fluids onto the driveway.

Hahaha, I almost peed my pants when I saw that photo! "Family pic gone bad" indeed!

I know you weren't looking for a factual explanation, but just as an FYI, as you know puppies needs all kinds of shots when they are young, so obviously if they're abandoned or poorly-cared for they won't get them and may instead get the diseases the vaccines are intended to prevent, several of which have the potential to leave a dog with permanent brain damage if they survive it (esp. parvo). Maybe that's what happened...

The photo is hilarious BTW.

Rescuing stray dogs, especially ones that grow to be very large just seems like a really, really bad idea. Why do people do it? Just get a puppy instead.

Because puppies are cute and everyone wants them, so they generally don't have a hard time finding homes. Older dogs don't appeal to as many people, but still need places to live. If you're someone who's willing to care for and love a dog that isn't necessarily the tiniest cutest puppy in the world, you'll do more good overall by adopting an older dog and/or a stray with issues that not everyone is willing to deal with.

Unless you're someone who doesn't mind if animals go homeless and wind up getting euthanized in pounds, in which case, please don't adopt any dogs at all.

on the other hand, a dog that bites and/or terrorizes your children seems to me like a dog with more than a few obedience issues. once a dog bites, I think it's off the family menu.

for the record, if one of my kids started biting my other kids and it had the kind of jaw-power a german shepherd does I would probably send it to the pound as well.

I know why people rescue stray dogs, because they want to feel like they're doing good and saving an animal. However, it's not worth the risk IMHO.

The day an opinion expressed on Cementhorizon can be accurately described as humble, I will eat my hat. We need a more truthful acronym here, in my arrogant opinion.

RSS feeds would be nice too.

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This page contains a single entry by hb published on August 23, 2006 8:08 PM.

With a Righteous Bosom and a Waist of Truth was the previous entry in this blog.

My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nothing is the next entry in this blog.

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